Ten days into 2018 and my body is already falling apart.
And with that I am believing that it’s all coming together.
Years ago, I thought I might have had an intolerance to wheat. I was tested for it on more than one occasion and was basically told that I was being dramatic (well, what they really said was the test showed nothing but I FELT like they told me I was being dramatic). I have been battling a very emotional ordeal with my weight, meaning no matter what I do, no matter how many specialists I see, no matter how many medicines they put me on, my weight continues to be a issue and I’m pretty much down to just eating air, twigs and kale.
It’s hard to make multiple meals out of air, twigs and kale.
I noticed that my stomach started to hurt when I was eating these protein cookies (and I eat lots of protein cookies because I’m in a rush a lot of times so it could have been over consumption but whatever) ) I decided to give it up for the most part but decided to have a wheat sandwich wrap the other day and within five minutes I was literally falling asleep behind the wheel.
Sleep. My body is rejecting it. It IS the wheat. I have a problem.
And I am sad. I really wanted that wrap. And I want my protein cookies. And I want my vanilla soy latte although the aspartame is making me inflamed.
I want. I want. I want. I want.
But my wants are keeping me stuck so I had to pick one want over the rest of my wants and that what is this:
I want better.
I have spent a decade pretty much settling in every aspect of my life. I have done a very good job of faking happy, faking what we call going with the flow when, inside, I was falling apart in misery. Now I realized I am faced with the choice to choose life or just occupy space until death arrives. All of us are faced with that choice. I have to believe in better or just crawl in a hole and wait for fate to have its way. I’m not having it. Not anymore.
Last week, I had a “meltdown” with a friend (and I would just like to say, for the record, my meltdowns are becoming less “melt” and more like a “sizzle”) and I just admitted I was tired. This is my journey and I know I have to walk it but I feel like I’ve been trying to convince everybody that I’m the strong woman like “strong” is defined how much pain and drama I can withstand.
Please come close to the screen.
That is a bold faced lie.
Although I admitted my exhaustion, two sentences later, I also proclaimed that I have hope. I am more hopeful in 2018 than I have been in a very, very, VERY long time because I have chosen to believe for better.
I believed I was stuck. I believed I deserved everything bad that was happening to me. I believed that this was just my fate. Again, a bold faced lie. Today, I felt better than I had in a really long time and I (don’t think it was just luck. While my shoulder is achy, (shoulder rehab is no joke) and my piriformis is taped up with KT right now, I feel free. I have not lost any weight (as a matter fact even with all the work I’ve done in the past ten days I’ve actually gained weight). However, I believe that this year is my turn around and that is my focus. The minute I believe otherwise I draw myself back into that home and then ten years of suffering then becomes eleven, twelve and twenty.
I don’t want that kind of life.
If you are in that pit and you feel like it’s never going to get better, trust me when I tell you it’s your thoughts that have you super glued to the bottom. Your thoughts will keep you there. As Les Brown says, “If you can look up, you can get up.” I don’t care if you have to climb out one fingertip at a time, believe that greater is coming and live your life as though it already were.
I have 354 days left and I won’t give up.
But I won’t eat another wheat sandwich wrap or protein cookie anytime soon. 🙂