I sat in the parking lot tonight after teaching my first Piloxing class in three months. I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. Tired seemed appropriate but there was something more emotional happening inside of me. I looked at my Instagram and saw a post from my girl Tangie and thought, “Yeah. That’s EXACTLY how I feel.’
I want to say, for the record, that this is hard. It’s hard knowing who I used to be and what my life used to look like what my body used to look like, what sleep used to feel like, what moving easily used to feel like, what not having pains from three surgeries felt like. But here I am in 2018, feeling like my body, mind and spirit are a mess.It makes me want to cry.
It makes me want to cry because what people think they know about me, well, they really don’t. The hardest battles I’ve had to face aren’t even public. However, because my life is so public, the manifestation of these private issues (weight gain, more gray hair, circles around my eyes and what appears to be lack of enthusiasm) are often public discussions behind my back (you know, how we do people when they lose weight, change their name on Facebook or do anything that “we” think isn’t who they “should be). Most days, I don’t care. But today…..
Today, I’m exhausted from ALL of it. I’m just physically exhausted (have I told you I might be the next candidate for “Mystery Diagnosis” because no one can seem to tell me what my medical is is) and mentally exhausted from being tossed around in some box that people have crafted for me.
Today, as I stood in the bathroom in my sports bra, looking in a mirror, I kicked the box down in tears. I remembered, in that moment, that there are people who enjoy watching me beat up on myself because the more I fall, the more they have control to get me to do what they want me to do because I don’t believe that I can do what I want to do.(Read that again…slowly). I, literally, said to myself out loud, “The devil enjoys watching you be discouraged and you will NOT be!!” I looked at the 3 pound weight gain (even though my diet has been SUPER clean and I’ve been working out like crazy) and thought it is what it is and I am who I am and this is the year that I will re-define what I think I want to be not who others say I should be.
I WILL STOP calling myself names. I WILL STOP looking at myself through the eyes of others. I WILL STOP believing that my feelings are invalid. I WILL STOP stressing out over people, places and things that have no real value in my life. I WILL STOP blaming myself for things I could not control. I WILL LET GO of the guilt from things that they told me were my fault. I WILL STOP backing down. I WILL STOP running away from challenges. I WILL stay consistent. I WILL NOT let someone else’s actions keep me from reaching my goal. I WILL TRUST in who God made me to be. I WILL tap into EVERYTHING that is inside of me. Because, honestly, I’ve bury myself and let others continue to kick dirt on top of the hole.
I am a woman who overcame unfair and unfortunate circumstances, was deemed unworthy and underprivileged and got through 12 years of magnet school and two degrees. I am been deemed unmarketable and unlikely to succeed in the fitness field and well…
I’ve fought the depression.
I’ve fought the critics.
I’ve fought poverty.
I’ve fought rejection.
I’ve fought bankruptcy.
I’ve fought public humiliation.
I’ve fought grief.
What I won’t continue to do is fight myself.
My limitations are all self-imposed. With one great big Karate Kid Crane Technique kick (maybe a little one because my legs are sore from Tai Chi and dead lifts), I’m taking down boxes and walls and barriers and stereotypes and everything else that I have used and allowed others to use to keep me contained which I cannot be.