I’m over it.
After another frustrating day of thinking about what I could and could not eat, what might make me gain five pounds overnight, what may make me swell, what exercises might keep me from sleeping, what supplement I needed to adjust to balance out my hormones, what meditation I needed to do in order to keep from throwing the scale through the bathroom window, I decided to stop resisting and accept this.
“This” is I’m a woman who’s in her 40’s who’s had an undiagnosed thyroid issue for at least 9 years and didn’t demand more answers when they told me nothing was wrong with me. Add in a hysterectomy, adrenal fatigue, weird and strenuous work hours for over a decade and cortisol levels that are now off the chart (it’s safe to say the last 18 months have been THE most stressful years of my life) and I’m now in a body I hardly recognize.
It doesn’t mean I have to stop….well, doing anything.
It’s hard to struggle in public. It’s hard to be tired and exhausted and depressed and not know why and yet you are the leader and everyone is looking for you to always be at the top of your game. It’s suicidal to dope yourself up on coffee, energy drinks and sugar or whatever helps you, literally, be able to have the strength to get in the car so you can do your job (“perform) only to break down seconds after you make it back to your car because you are so out of it and feel like such a phony and failure and are too tired to even drive yourself home.
And when you work in fitness, no one looks at your weight gain and says, “Oh, poor woman. She must have adrenal and thyroid issues.” They assume you’ve “let yourself go.”
Before you start digging through my pictures, I have not gained 30 pounds. Not even 20. In the last year, not even 10. However, when you work like I work, eat like I eat and EVERYTHING seems to work against you and doctors are messing with medicine for the five thousand ailments you seem to have (and their side effects), every pound feels like the weight of the world. I’ve been so stressed that I have seen my weight fluctuate as much as 7 pounds in a day. The truth is perhaps I don’t know how much I really weigh. I haven’t had to buy new clothes but maybe it’s because stretchy pants are forgiving?
And so, yesterday, after I ate the vegan Ben-N-Jerry’s, I decided that I can still be me WITH THIS BODY. I can still be strong. I can still exercise. I can still teach. I can still motivate. I can still walk. I can still breathe. I can still have fitness goals. I will NOT be held captive by all of the “do’s and don’ts” because there are TOO many, they all conflict and most of the people writing them aren’t even in the battle.
With this body, I can worship God. I can still dance and do yoga. I can hug. I can love. I can uplift. I can encourage. I can go to Sprouts and Starbucks. I can run with my kids. I can laugh. I can serve.
It’s a condition. It’s not death. I am not dead. I am very much alive. In this body. And with this body, I will live.
You should too.