I know what my life used to be and what I used to look like.
I’ve fit in a size 4. I’ve fit in a size 24.
I’ve seen marriage. Divorce. Life. Death. Grief. Success. Failure. Popularity. Isolation. I’ve been on my knees playing with my kids and on my knees praying they didn’t die. I’ve been the love and forgive everyone type. I’ve been the lock myself up in the house because I might snap and go to jail today type. And we are just talking my adult life. A majority of it has been just in the last two years.
My body and mind have taken a beating. The hardest blows have been from me; trying to keep up with who I was when I thought I was my “best.”
The struggles I’ve had to face in public are nothing like the ones I’ve had to face behind closed doors. The struggles I’ve had with other people, places and things are nothing like the struggles I’ve had to face with myself. When you are in a profession that low key demands perfection, you can easily fall prey to its unspoken rules without even realizing it. You find yourself scrolling through social media, thinking about all the apps and cute clothes you “need” and all of the exercises you “need” to do and all of the stuff you “need” to post to have “followers.” I had to pull back for a second and ask myself why was I doing what and who did people think I was when they saw me on social media and was I the same person when they ran into me at a conference, in a class or at Kroger? When I was exercising, was I doing certain things because that’s what “everybody” was doing or was it good for my mind, my body, my injuries, my age, my schedule? Was I sleeping because I was depressed or was I sleeping because I was just tired?
Some of those are questions that still linger.
I have just chosen to not hang in the shadow of my GOOD parts; the times when I was super cut and 138 pounds, the times when I was teaching 18 classes a week, the time when I ran a half marathon, the time when I was on a raw food diet, the times when I only needed five hours of sleep, the time before I had knee surgery, Achilles surgery and a hysterectomy, the time before what happened to my son changed my life, the time when I was making enough money to pay triple what I owed on my bills, the times when I had a waiting list for people wanting to train with me. I have chosen to be open to where I am RIGHT NOW and start from the bottom; start rebuilding in my new normal and be as strong and as healthy and as fit as I am supposed to be in THIS life, share what’s real and what’s true not what’s popular and pretty and fulfill God’s calling on my life because I KNOW this is all for something bigger than me writing this blog…..
If you can relate, I’m holding out my hand to help you walk into another space. You don’t have to live under anyone else’s shadow and you don’t have to live under your own. We all have the right to grow and change. Who we used to be is a part of our history but we don’t have to be paralyzed by it. Step out, look up and start fresh. Life is waiting.