I think it started the day I went to the doctor’s office and their scale basically told me I had gained fourteen pounds….in four days.
You know how THAT goes….you KNOW it’s a lie but you’re STILL in your feelings about it a little because, well, how dare that stupid scale mess with my emotions like that knowing I had three classes right after that? Where was a tall soy skinny vanilla latte and some dark chocolate covered almond clusters when you needed them?
Because, frankly, I was a little pissed off.
The day was filled with phone calls I didn’t want to answer, attitudes I didn’t want to deal with, cold food that made me unhappy, a schedule that made me exhausted before I even started and not enough hours to get my nap and at least two good episodes of Good Times reruns.
It was brewing.
I’m starting to wonder if that fourteen pounds was my attitude and the expectation that the world was supposed to stop while I tried to “figure out” how to get my life together instead of just doing it.’
I had a fourteen pound chip on my shoulder.
If I sat here and typed out everything that was “wrong” or “out of place” in my life, this would be a very long post and you all would be trying to get in touch with Iyanla ASAP to come fix my life. I’d rather share this with you:
This is my life. This is my reality and I’ve chosen to live instead of fantasize about how I want to live and get mad because it’s not that way.
The truth is I may have gained some weight in four days. I’m going through this adrenal/thyroid thing. I don’t know what’s wrong with my body and it doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. We’re trying to understand each other. That has caused me to be EXHAUSTED most of the time. It has also caused me to not have the energy (true story) to even eat or fix anything that takes effort. I also had to slow down on my exercise.
That’s not rocket science. Bad diet plus less movement equals weight gain.
Perhaps I was angry at myself. Yeah, I know the fourteen pounds was an off number but I had to face the reality that my life was differently. I saw a number I had not seen in a loooong time. What would that mean? Did it mean I had failed? Let people down? Would I no longer be able to wear my favorite jeans? Would I have to retire from fitness because I was too big? Would I end up with an eating disorder again? All of this (and more) went through my head between the time the nurse said the number and wrote it down on my chart. I had basically condemned myself to hell before 1) separating my feelings from the truth and 2)accepting my part in it and 3)thinking of a plan to change it.
Because we all seem to like the drama of being dramatic.
Being dramatic may get likes on social media but it doesn’t change your life. And that’s where I want to be.
How many times have we been held up by what we “thought” with NO REAL FACTS or proof? How many times have we felt “stuck” and disarmed ourselves, devalued ourselves, disregarded our own power to use the facts to change our circumstances? The weight is the story we’ve created.
And because I don’t want THAT weight or any other extra weight my body wasn’t meant to carry, I’ve made a conscious choice to strengthen my mind game as much as my ab, food and squat game. I am devoting the month of March to fight harder while dealing with the facts: 1) I work a lot. 2) I’m 41 and my body doesn’t do what it used to 3) I am responsible for my actions regardless of how I feel 4) I am my best advocate 5) I don’t get better unless I do better.
I have invited several of friends to share their personal stories throughout the month of March and why they think their wellness is just non-negotiable. And if you see me limping around, just know that I’m sore from working out. If you see me moping around, feel free to tell me to stick with the facts I’m not saying it will be easy but for me, it’s the only way out.
But, if you have Iyanla’s number, tell her she is free to call me. 🙂