It’s over….and I don’t just mean the detox.
Let me go ahead and confess: this three weeks wasn’t nearly as structured as it should have been. However, ever since the moment I opened my mouth and said, “God, I need to clean up some stuff,” well, stuff started happening. Really happening. Cry like a baby, think I am losing my mind, need to schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist, have people lay hands on me and plead the blood of Jesus over me happen. In a way, I feel lighter but confused. You ever held on to something so long that when it was finally gone you didn’t know what to do without it even though you didn’t need it?
Sort of like the sweatshirt I had been carrying around since grad school when I was over two hundred pounds that I just wouldn’t surrender. It was WAY too big and outstretched and I finally got rid of it but I kept going to look for it after I had gotten rid of it because it made me feel “comfortable.
That’s what I’m not anymore. I’m uncomfortable because I’ve had to let go and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I had a “two trips to Sprouts a day” habit.
I always got a Big Sur breakfast burrito and/or a Lenny and Larry’s protein cookie (man, those things are good. If you’v never had one, stay away. They are addictive), an avocado, a Zevia ginger ale and as many dark chocolate almond clusters as my mind would allow. Then a couple of Sundays ago I got REALLY sick. About six years ago, I got down to 138 pounds and not because I was working out. I had a bad case of gastritis and irritable bowl syndrome and couldn’t eat anything that didn’t hurt besides oatmeal. When those pains hit me (literally, six years with NO issues), I started re-evaluating my whole life. One of the things that would make my symptoms worse was chocolate. How was I going to quit cold turkey? How was I going to give up my crutch without any type of 12 step program or rehab?
I didn’t. I waited about two days and diagnosed myself well (short version: I went and ate the stupid chocolate AND drank coffee) until I started having debilitating migraine headaches on top of the stomach pain, a problem I’ve pretty much had under control for 8 years. What was I going to do now?
Decide if it was worth it….or if I was worth it.
It’s a question I would end up asking myself about a lot of people, places and things over these last few weeks.
You want me to tell you I stopped eating it, right? Well, I didn’t. I decreased my consumption and changed my habits. I’ve opted for pistachios sometimes when I go into Sprouts or I’ve even went an entire day without going in there at all. Yet, I realized that I am in control of A LOT of things that hurt me deeply and repeatedly and I have to make the decision of whether to pull the knife from my chest or to keep pushing it in deeper.
It would seem the decision would be an easy one. Some of us are addicted to the pain because we know nothing else.
I’ve spent the past two weeks or so, privately, writing poetry and letters to people to say the things I’ve needed to say, to release the feelings I’ve held inside, was too afraid to say out loud, discredited, didn’t think anyone cared. I read them over and over and over again, taking the power out of the hand of the person I was talking to and then chose not to send them. The point wasn’t for them to hear me. The point was for me to get it out of me and hear it myself. It didn’t have anything to do with their response as much as it had to do with me letting it go. I stopped taking calls from people who only wanted to gossip about my personal life. I stopped trying to make room for myself in the lives of people who obviously didn’t have time. I stopped trying to add stuff into my life that I thought I needed and started getting rid of these crazy desires to be fulfilled by people, places and things that really had no stake in where I was trying to go with my life.
The lighter I felt, the more I started to eliminate. I started getting rid of clothes I thought I just had to keep (a bonus post is coming on that later this week). I started sleeping better. I stopped eating in excess. I stopped accepting excuses. I took more time away from my phone. I read more. I danced more. I became more creative.
I won’t lie to you. This space is foreign.
This space is mine.
I’ve cleared it out and I’m ready to move all the way in.