Even if I didn’t say another word, I’m sure I could just leave that title right there and MANY of you would understand.
It’s been two weeks of loss….and I don’t mean weight.
Well, it could be weight, depending on how you look at it, but I feel heavier this week with just thought of it, all of it, in my brain. I’m sure somewhere, down the line, hopefully sooner than later, this will all be over and I’ll know it all worked for the good and I was worried for nothing. Today is not the day.
I have a feeling tomorrow won’t be either.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me.
I’m sure some of it had to do with the overwhelming sense of sadness over the tragedy in Orlando. Heartless. Senseless. Ridiculous. Pointless. A display of cowardice. I just couldn’t get going. I stayed in the bed most of the day. If you know me then you know I’m a thinker. I had WAY too much time on my hands yesterday. I damn near set myself on fire with rapid thoughts of “Why me, God? Why can’t I have it? Why is this happening to me?” All I could hear was, “It’s not time.”
And I was pretty pissed off. Because I want it.
Just like when I want that chocolate cake and I know it’s a fifteen minute drive, I get in my car and go get it. When I want to hear Prince over and over again because I’m not over it, I pull my phone out and press shuffle and repeat until the words from “Adore” are ringing in my ears. When I want to talk, I can just go to Facebook. When I want to caffeine, I roll into Starbucks. I have taught myself to NOT live a life of deprivation and have also learned to life a live of, “I want it THIS way, RIGHT now and I’ll be happy and fine until my NEXT demand.”
God said, “No.” And I cried because I want it. And “it” can be defined as so many things.
Detoxing my thought process has, literally, made me crazy. Chocolate cake and a soy sugar free hazelnut latte would not have made me feel better yesterday. I got EXACTLY what I asked for: the opportunity to pause, rethink, breathe, focus, live in THIS moment, start from scratch, increase my faith, re-evaluate my desires, habits, definition of happiness, peace, joy, gratitude, will, determination, discipline and desire.
And while I am not completely cured, I am finding myself thinking, “God, I want it. But I want what YOU have for me more and I want to be ready for it.” And the minute that thought process entered my mind, angels started to appear in my inbox, in my classes, in the hallways, on my phone and at the store, to remind me of who I REALLY am, even when I don’t really feel like it, to remind me to take care of me, to help me remember where I want to be, to help me get there and to help keep me there. He wants something bigger for me. There is a part of me that is terrified. We think “detox” means surrendering all the “good stuff” that we are used to and ingesting nasty stuff that will clean us out.
I need to get rid of some stuff. God, I want it SO BAD but here’s to flushing it out for a clean start.