This is one of the posts that I’m not going to say much other than I get it. My process continues. Read on.
I Woke Up Like This
I’m that girl.
The middle school girl who got bullied.
And I’m the the woman who was, is, has been, kindasorta breaking free and I know that I could change the world.
One foot in front of the other, I’m taking back what Satan stole.
And I woke up like, this.
As my daughter became the victim of middleschool hair taunting I relived my tweenager anxieties. The anxieties of the kids who questioned if my mom was white and why my hair wasn’t straight or in braids. It made me want to fight back.
Only, my anger was misdirected.
I wanted to fight that girl on the playground at Taft Middle School. I wanted to fight all of them who stood there and mocked me as I walked away. I wanted to kick and scream and swing wild uncontrolled, anger filled, rejected arms.
Only my anger was misdirected.
I wanted to fight my dad. The years of watching my mom get pummeled to the ground in an alcoholic’s rage. I wanted to fight my mom for not leaving. I wanted to fight my teachers for not seeing the tired, never hungry always emotional little girl; as a potentially shattered woman in the making.
Only my anger was misdirected.
And I woke up.
Over the past few years, I’ve found myself facing some of that anger, the anxiety, the irritability and here I am today redirecting my anger and grabbing ahold to this new wild freedom, I now see who I should’ve been fighting.
Now I’m angry and I’m fighting with a righteous holy anger and I’m swinging with guided strategic weaponry and I’m drop kicking satan in the throat!
I woke up like this!
Because you know what turns my stomach, hurts my head and rips my heart apart?
The endless reaching & clawing for perfection.
The emptiness that aches to be filled so it gets stuffed with stuff.
The brokenness that gets band aides.
The identities that get lost trying to identify.
The longing for love that settles for likes.
“Holy Spirit let us become more aware of your presence, let us experience the glory of your goodness. Holy Spirit you are welcome here.
I woke up like THIS?
Consume me so the broken becomes whole, the lost gets found, the blind – with eyes wide open – see.
⚓️ “Do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13
This past Spring, I had an awesome opportunity to speak at Refresh Summit. My message was on encountering Christ and the radical transformation that happens deep within our soul. Since this was a faith and fitness conference I desperately wanted to; or tried to; make a connection between our insatiable desire to take care of our bodies, eat healthy and live ‘balanced lives’ and our insatiable desire to be better women of God, wives, moms.
What I discovered in my preparation was that the insatiable-ness was in fact the bridge over the trebled waters. The very fact that we reach and grab for this stuff, more meaningful lives, authenticity, new purposes and goals is because of the God-designed insatiable-ness that was reserved for Him. This is the space that holds that misdirected anger. This is the space that holds the junk in our trunk. Yup. All that pride, fear, anger, frustration, nameless emotion and the insatiableness. It’s God’s space but we’ve decorated it with our ideas of how we can get rid of it.
It’s the space deep in the trenches of our hearts.
The deep space that we tend to hide from other people denying them access to our true selves; where we hide from ourselves because of guilt and shame; where Satan prowls at the door of our hearts. Where our words and our facial expressions don’t line up.
Fix Your Face
When my kids were younger, if they were reprimanded for something and they even looked like they were about to talk back or throw a hissy fit my first response to them was “you better fix your face”. They knew that I knew as their mother that even if they were saying they understood or were sorry; if their expression didn’t match their words, there was an issue.
Any attempts we make to fill the insatiable spaces of our lives; the anger, the fear, the desire to be known, the fitness, even the improved faith walk; if our faces don’t match our words God can see right through it. In Genesis 4:6-10 (story of Cain and Abel) God had to address this head on. He not only knew something was wrong but He warned Cain that if he didn’t get a handle on this, it was fertile ground for bitter roots. Cain’s misdirected anger and insatiable pursuit caused him to take his own brother’s life. How many times have we decided to not fix our face, and snatch the livelihood out of the lives of the people within our realm of influence?
And I woke up like this.
But y’all catch this part of the story. God knows that we have these insatiable needs because He wants us to pursue Him and asking Him to fill our needs rather than take matters into our own uncontrolled wild anger filled, resentment and rejection fuel hands. And in our pursuit of Him versus the stuff and status and social media likes; He pours out grace upon grace; renewed everyday!
James 1:22-24The Voice (VOICE)
22 Put the word into action. If you think hearing is what matters most, you are going to find you have been deceived.
God the Father is the giver of all things and is looking for every opportunity to bless us. But many people have difficulty trusting and receiving good things, even when those things come from God. The problem is that we not only have trouble trusting God’s work in our lives, but we also don’t always respond to God’s voice. People often hear the Scriptures but don’t really listen. People store truths in their brains but never put them to use. For James, the only good religion is religion lived out every day.
23-24 If some fail to do what God requires, it’s as if they forget the word as soon as they hear it. One minute they look in the mirror, and the next they forget who they are and what they look like.
Fix your eyes
Psalm 42 Despite all of my emotions, I will believe and praise the one who saves me
“Worldly fear drives us away from the objects of our reverence, but the fear of the Lord pulls us in closer.”// Jess Connolly Wild and Free
I woke up like this, today.
I was singing “Spirit break out, tear our walls down; Spirit break out, Heaven come down”…
Lately, my conversations with the Holy Spirit have been full of; to some; what might sound like groveling.
But I trust the Lord has heard my heart and through the tears He knows they’re Philippians 4 requests. Without anxiety or fear; letting God know EXACTLY what it is I need.
Petitioning Him to guide my thoughts, my words and my decisions so that I no longer function out of dysfunctional habits but wholeheartedly, bravely move in this new wild freedom He’s lavishly poured out on me.
Satan would have me believe that I’m making this up; this whole brave bold freedom.
Like Eve, he’d rather I believe God wasn’t referring to me when He promised grace upon grace or beauty for ashes or restoring everything the enemy stole.
Spirit break out, tear our walls down. The walls of the boxes we’ve built with sin and shame. The walls we’ve built with pride. The walls we’ve built with fear. The walls we’ve built that have kept us caged by our own limitations rather than live in wild freedom because of Your goodness and Glory. Tear down these walls Lord and interrupt my plans… That’s all. Keep my heart careful to hear Your voice. Where misdirected emotions try to feed insatiableness, God I ask you to bring the promises of Heaven to come down in a very tangible way.
I woke up.
I, woke up. I am not my past. I am not my misdirected feelings. I am not my insatiableness. I am made whole through the relentless pursuit of God and through it, I can face my fears, weaknesses and faults knowing that in these insatiable spaces, Christ is made stronger.
Honestly it’s not about pushing or ‘fake it till you make it’ it’s about showing up & doing what you can. God accepts/receives what we give based on what we have NOT what we don’t have. You can’t give any more than what He has already given you. And He has given you the ability to move!
2 Corinthians 4:18 – Fixing our eyes on what is unseen not what is seen
I woke up. Like this. With eyes wide open.
You can contact Amia on Twitter and Instagram @inneractivefit and on her website at www.inneractivefitclub.net.