She had it. I wanted it. It made me miserable. Period.
I hate to admit this at forty years old, as a Christian, as a woman who has been blessed beyond measure but it’s true. Just the other day, I wanted to take a bat and redecorate the wall while screaming, “WHY HER?!?!?” It is definitely not the kind of picture I’d post on my Instagram feed. In a matter of five seconds, I felt rage, anger, sadness, shame, ashamed, guilt, pity, frustration, disgust, pain, remorse, misunderstood, forgotten, punished and borderline psychotic.
And then, like a dream, I saw myself in the gym a week or so ago when I had went to do extra cardio to handle some of the same emotions (it’s been a tough year) and I remember what happened the moment I put my Beats on and hit the random button on my Spotify playlist…..
“No such thing as a life that’s better than yours…..No such thing as a life that’s better than yours…..No such thing as a life that’s better than yours….No such thing, no such thing…”
I’m sure the people in the gym thought that weight was too heavy for me to curl with because J. Cole almost knocked me over that night. I, literally, almost hit the floor. How had I gotten stuck into believing my life would be better if I had what SHE had or what anybody had? I had left the gym feeling good that night.
I put the imaginary bat down.
This is my life. This is my stuff. This is my road. These are my trials. This is my path. This is my mess. This is my ministry. And I have decided to love EVERY part of it.
Real talk: I want a blue convertible BMW, an all-expenses paid trip to the Dominican Republic, a new summer wardrobe, and hair that always appears to look like I just got it done. What I have is a car that takes me to live out my dreams as a fitness professional, the experience of going anywhere I want mentally when I dance and teach, the ability to wear workout clothes all day and get away with it and short hair that I can wash and wear. What I have is the life I have been given and the ability to chosen how I live it. When I love it, it will love me. When I resist it, it will fight back. I’ve decided to fight for it. My life and I are on the same team.
It is EASY to believe another person’s life is easier, better, more grand than yours. I have been told PLENTY of times, “I wish I had your life.” I laughed my head off. I just wanted to offer a hug and say, “If you only knew.” We ALL have a story that will break someone’s heart. We are all struggling with something, just got over a struggle or are getting ready to enter into one. None of us are immune. And when we are feeling like someone else has it better than us, we never know what it took for them to have what it is we want so bad.
“There’s beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success….”
Perhaps it’s just their perspective that makes their life look so appealing.
I have decided that EVERY time I start to feel like I’m having a “less than” moment that I will proclaim TO MYSELF why my life is worth loving….and I’m not just talking about story book answers that look good on social media. (You all know what I’m talking about.) This is not about trying to accumulate all of the virtual hugs or Amens I can get to make me feel better when I’m really self-loathing. These are moments when I know I need to shift gears and get my mind right and putting it out there that I need a new attitude. These are the moments when I realize that I’m just as good, just as free, just as worthy, just as capable, just as able to have a life I love IF I’m willing to love life.
“But you ain’t never gon’ be happy till you love yours….”
I DARE you to find beauty in your struggle. I DARE you to step out and proclaim that NO ONE’S life is better than YOURS. I DARE you to find your happiness in what you have and love yours NO MATTER WHAT.
Put your bats down.
Thanks, J. Cole.