I’m Back and I’m Struggling

I can’t remember the last time I went this long without blogging.

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It’s not that I haven’t “thought” about blogging.  It’s that I just didn’t want to talk.  Honestly, I’ve just wanted to sleep. I’ve been having trouble finding order, finding purpose, finding motivation, finding my keys, finding the correct way to put on my pants. My thoughts have been just like my life lately; all over the place.  I have no new workouts to share.  I haven’t been any place interesting to write a recap (well, I did attend the IDEA Personal Trainer Institute in DC but I hardly took any pictures and didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I did) and other than the white chicken chili I made for my family on Monday, I haven’t cooked in months.  I haven’t even eaten dinner in days.

Last night, I did a random Periscope about “just showing up” and how much strength it takes to do so. I realized that even in my stress, in what feels like the beginning of depression, in my absent mindedness, in my embarrassment, in my shame, in my hurt, in my despair, in my confusion, in my pain, in my emptiness, I want to show up.

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And I’m so thankful that the grace of God, lip gloss and headbands keep me from looking like what I’ve been through.

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It’s been almost five months since I sped down Balch Road with my heart lying on the front seat after getting a call from the Sheriff’s department that my son had been shot. Even now, even knowing that he is somewhere laughing and running this very minute, that sentence chokes the hell out of me and draws an emotion I still have not faced.  My life has not been the same.  While it would seem simple to be “cured” by knowing my son is alive, NONE of us are “o.k.” Our lives have changed so much and every day brings a new pain. I wish I could explain how this is NOT “cut and dry” and since he is alive, life is fixed.  One thing affects another thing.  Right now, I’m feeling an effect I didn’t expect to have to face….ever.

Sigh.

Right now, as I type this, I am considering giving up my fitness career. Forever.

It’s a stress I have been privately carrying with me for weeks.

Exhale.  I just need to breathe for a minute.  I’ve already cried on the phone with the Verizon representative today so I sort of want to refrain from crying in this Starbucks.

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It’s not that my career means everything to me.  It’s not that exercise means everything.  It’s that the people I have encountered on this journey and the ministry God has allowed me to have through fitness means everything to me.  The idea of leaving it is like the final blow.  The idea of leaving it sends me to bed at 7:30 p.m.  It makes me ignore phone calls and emails and text messages (sorry, friends). It wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning and brings me to my knees praying to the Lord for clarity.

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Fitness, wellness, health, community, changing our lives, together, to be better, helping each other, that’s what makes Tasha glow with joy and fulfillment and peace. 

Attorney and medical fees, school fees, the unsteady nature of personal training and the inability to teach fifty classes a week tell me I need to make another choice.  My son is headed to college in August and my daughter is headed to middle school.  Yoga is good for the soul but it just doesn’t buy books.

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I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told to give up this “gym thing” and go use my Master’s degree to get a good “government job.” That sounds like a great idea for the new car I kind of want but I don’t just do a “gym thing” and I’d be miserable in an office (Besides, if they don’t let me wear workout clothes, I’d have to spend my first four paychecks buying presentable office attire).  I was made to do what I do.  I know it.  The stress of my life (public and private) is just pulling me all over the place.  I’m super glad no one asks me “paper or plastic?” these days because all decisions are just too hard.  They all feel complicated.  They all feel stressful.

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But I’m showing up.  I can’t check out of life even though I have no idea where my life is going from one moment to the next. Isn’t that what faith is though?

Oceans Dance

I’m struggling but I’m back. Being real with myself and getting real with my life is the only real way to go.

This entry was posted in 2016, Authenticity, fitness career, self-inquiry. Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to I’m Back and I’m Struggling

  1. Melorie says:

    Praying for you sis!! Praying for clarity for you as you have to make life choices.

  2. Vanessa says:

    Girl you inspire so MANY ppl. I pray for peace for you
    You’ve inspired me many many times and I love how you keep it real and talk about REAL issues, I understand the financial challenges and hope you find everything you have worked for so hard to pay off big!

  3. Bain says:

    You are so amazingly brave. I know it doesn’t feel like it, and I know I can’t imagine what you are feeling. Yet I see you as brave because in the social media world people tend to put out only The Best This and The Perfect That, photoshopped pictures taken hundreds of times until they were just right and YOU are daring NOT to do that.

    Also, I wanted to share this thought: it isn’t all or nothing. You can do more than one thing, and have more than one career, at the same time. I work in a professional office for my day job (and right now I’m wearing yoga pants and a tee shirt–I only have to dress up on certain days), but I teach yoga and fitness on the outside. Not every day, but every week. Maybe there is a way for you to do fitness, and do something else–something you don’t loathe, of course!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Play “Gloria Gaynor ‘ s anthem..because you are a Survivor! !

  5. Lena says:

    Sending love and good vibes to you, Tasha! You’re in my prayers.

  6. Alicia says:

    Praying for you Soror Dolphin and always know even if you’re too tired to pray for yourself specific prayers to bless you with peace of mind and direction are being prayed on your behalf.

  7. Emma says:

    I pray that God will bless you and give you peace. Hold tight to your faith and know that God will direct you to the perfect solution for your dilemma
    Your transparency and courage are truly an inspiration.

  8. Carmen Turks says:

    Well said….I fully understand. Different circumstances same situation. Praying for clarity for the both of us.

  9. Cynthia says:

    Praying for you!

  10. Maureen Wood says:

    I met you at a piloting training 3 years ago. Your love for what you do was infectious. I have been following you on FB ever since. Whatever choice you make, is yours aND yours alone. Thanks for being an inspiration and so open. I truly believe even in the midst of your current struggle, you are impacting someone’s life. Just knowing that someone as beautiful and talented as you inside and out has struggles in life will bless someone, I know it. I am praying for you.

  11. Brittany Gibbs says:

    Tasha, you inspire me each and every day. You hang in there and allow God to use you, build you, mold you, hold you, strengthen you, elevate you, love you…and most importantly place those stressors in his hand. You’re carrying a load that’s not meant for you to carry. My prayer is that the weight of life is lifted off your shoulders so that you can regain strength, the weight of emotions are lifted off your heart and mind and replaced with peace and renewal and most importantly, everything that you’ve poured out be poured back into you –overflowing! I love you Tasha!!!!

  12. Jill McGuire says:

    Tasha, God knows your every breath, your every fear, your every decision. He has ALREADY provided everything that you need thru the power of His Holy Spirit to walk thru this process. That’s what this is for you… A “process”. Lean into Him even closer, He will carry you thru it. And your testimony will be even greater than you ever imagined….. All for HIS glory…..

    Jill …..

  13. Keisha says:

    We’ve never met, but I’ve followed you on social media for some time now and have been inspired by your posts on numerous occasions. I saw you recently one morning, from a distance, in the parking lot of a school. We were both doing the morning kid drop off….and I thought, if we get close enough, I’ll tell her how much I’ve been inspired by her posts on Facebook. That didn’t happen. So I’ll take the opportunity now. Your courage is sharing this struggle on social media, while so many other fitness and health leaders, often only share the wins, will touch and encourage people….I know it surely touched me. I pray God opens leads you to a place of peace and understanding as you work through the decisions you have to make and I trust the he will allow you the opportunity to continue to let your light shine.

  14. Leslie Lawson Malone says:

    This is made me cry for and with you, Tasha. You are such a role model, but not in just with your fitness. You are a role model and a positive influence with your soul, your words, and your smile. You will continue to affect so many lives in a positive manner, no matter what you decide you ultimately need to do. I have nothing but respect, love, and hope for you and your family! I pray that you know that you have a village behind you if you need it.
    ((Big hugs))!!!

  15. Reina Floyd says:

    Praying for peace and discernment!

  16. shawn says:

    Tears.. I pray that God will make provisions beyond your imitation..

  17. Kirsten says:

    I see such beauty, strength and grave in that picture of you holding your bible. Your strength resonates through you. I could feel your strength and calmness when I first sat next to you at a yoga session one Fitbloggin. Sending you prayers and hugs.

  18. LaToya says:

    You inspire so many people and as a mom, wife and Christian woman you are always taking care of others. As mom’s we try to make sure everyone else is okay then when it comes to us we just fight through everybody and ignore our needs. Sister, you are attribute and capable of many things but the only way you will be able to do those things is if you are in good health. This means that you have to take care of yourself first. As we walk this Christian journey we have to remember to take care of ourselves. You owe no one an explanation, just listen to what He is telling you and move on it. Have faith in God that he will never put more on his children that he can’t help us with. In church tonight we talked about Genesis 22 Chapter where Abraham was tested to see if he would obey God, we have to realize that even though we don’t want to give up that sacrifice sometimes, God is testing is to see if we will obey bc if we do obey just like Abraham before he slayed his son for the sacrifice, God stopped him and told him to look in the bushes for a sacrifice. See God takes us so far too see if we are going to obey him but he always has a plan, among the bushes! Girl I’m shouting for you and for me bc I know that he is working in my life and had something within the bushes I just have to keep sacrificing until he gets ready to show me what’s in my bush. He will provide, just have faith. Praying for you and your family. Keep you head up and continue to pray and have faith. Love you.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Praying for clarity. God knows you and your heart, and He will pull you through. This is a hard internal conflict to go through. Keep talking to God like you’re doing. And write!!!! Write is good for the soul too!!

  20. Susie says:

    Prayers to you. What a journey you have been on. I agree with the gal that said it does not have to be one or the other. Maybe a government job is not the right choice but there are many at home opportunities out there that you could excel. Check them out as they are flexible with unlimited earning potential. You could easily fit in both and still do your fitness ministry.

    • HipHealthyChick says:

      Thank you, Susie.
      She actually has a really cool job that I wish I had. 😊 I appreciate your suggestion. I’ve done home based businesses before. Not for me. 😊

  21. Anonymous says:

    Wow cuzn, praying for your clarity..I needed to read this..I’m struggling with a lot of some of the same issues..I pray you find peace n clarity, love u

  22. Anonymous says:

    ❤️❤️

  23. Tamesha says:

    You never know how someone is really feeling or what they are going through. But I will say…You are such an inspiration..The beauty of this is that God knows all!!! I am praying for you my friend.

  24. Cubeon says:

    Wow…thank you for encouraging us to ‘show up’ in the mist of your own trial. You were created to do what you’re doing. I pray God will give you the knowledge, wisdom & understanding you need to make the best decision for your life. Luv ya!

  25. Marci says:

    As always, your testimony is inspiring. You’re so amazing, that even during your struggles you are a huge blessing. I can so relate to this trial. I pray for you continued blessings, favor, guidance, and clarity from our Most High. XOXO

  26. Hakikah Shamsiden says:

    Sending you hugs and prayers from Atlanta.
    No matter what you decide to do, it will be the right thing to do. Keep shining.

  27. zaji says:

    *sitting and quietly listening*