#TruthThursday: It’s O.K. To Not Be O.K.

“Are you o.k.?”

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It was as if everything started going in slow motion.

I have not really allowed myself to be vulnerable or comforted in any way so it surprised me too when I asked a friend for a hug, probably to their surprise too. Imagine my shock when I actually started to feel emotion. The first tear I felt made me jump away like my life depended on it.

“Are you o.k.?”

Should I tell the truth and sound like a whiner, confess that I had been having a hard time, ask to be heard without judgment and lay down the last twenty five years of anxiety that keeps me up at night or should I just suck this up because ain’t nobody got time to listen to my drama or deal with my emotional self?

I confessed. Then I lied.

I said I was not o.k. Then I said I was o.k. I then proceeded to hit the floor and do push-ups. That’s what strong women do: push-ups. We move on.

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My heart was stuck. My heart is still stuck in the fourth grade sometimes, sometimes in the ninth, sometimes in the first, sometimes in my twenties. Sometimes my heart is stuck in all of the times I was told I was too sensitive or too weak or the times I was left alone when I needed to be held, comforted, understood. It all led to me working harder, working myself to death to be perfect, going insane trying to hide my imperfections.

It led to years of eating disorders, excessive exercise, sleep, anxiety, depression and negative self-talk. I still can’t believe some of things I’ve said to myself about myself over the years.

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I remember a therapist suggested I was bipolar once. “Tasha” is not bipolar. The masks she wears are. I made it an art to switch back and forth between who I needed to be to get the love and attention I so desired. I learned to turn off my emotions because so many people close to me didn’t want to hear it or be bothered. Now when I need people most, I do push-ups instead of talking. I’ll throw my shoulder out before I pick up my phone and say, “I really need to talk.”

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Did I mention how sore my shoulders are?

It’s hard to trust people because of what’s going on in my life. I’m still running around keeping quiet to protect the guilty. And, until today, I’ve never asked myself, “What would life be like if I were just completely honest….with myself?”

I’d realize that the people who love me do and the people who don’t just don’t and if I keep trying to solve my life’s problems with exercise then I’ll be on anti-inflammatories for the rest of my life.

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Did I mention my shoulder hurts?

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Today is new day about being o.k. with my faults and my wants, being o.k. with being supported by those who love me and making loving myself more a priority. Am I o.k.? No. It’s been a hell of a week but I feel better already.

 

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10 Responses to #TruthThursday: It’s O.K. To Not Be O.K.

  1. I’m right here with ya girl! But, I am the biggest cry baby. I have a BIG and sometimes intimidating personality but I have a soft heart. I cry when I am happy, sad, and mad. Big alligator tears. It’s embarrassing sometimes! I even cried at church on Sunday during a solo that I know well. I was so overwhelmed by the message and how much God loves me that I lost it at the very end. Thankfully, several people told me how awesome it was after church but I was still a tad embarrassed to say the least. Maybe I’ll try some pushups! Love ya sister. <3

  2. Patty says:

    Thanks for sharing…this is EXACTLY what I’m dealing with now. I feel guilty for not being okay. And that’s a bunch of malarkey! I have a wonderful circle of the most supportive women and I should bend their ears a little with my woes. My shoulders hurt, too…I do dips off of the bench at the foot of my bed. Tasha, you are loved more than you know and thought of more than you think!

    • HipHealthyChick says:

      Thank you so much.
      I hope we both reach out and continue to allow ourselves to be supported. <3

  3. Sarah says:

    Oh my God, Tasha. This post is exactly what I needed to see this week. I’m sure your friends want you to lean on them and not your sore shoulders. Hang in there.

  4. Amanda M. says:

    It has taken me years to realize nobody has it all together. I embrace times I feel weak because I know it will provide growth if I allow it to – I’ll grow and learn. I used to think all the tragedy I’ve experienced was punishment. Now, at 38, I realize it was preparing me to be a better friend and to help others as we all experience tragic losses. I love your honesty in this post. I follow you on IG and love your account.

  5. We re all facing the same temptations and struggles. But we also have a God who is amazing and awesome all of the time. He is the One who will help us in our frustrations and temptations. He is the One who will guide us when the struggles are hard and life gets tough.