New Year, Old Issues, Decision Time

Happy New Year!!

Sad old issues.

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I found this blog post sitting in my draft box. I wrote it six months ago when I was preparing to dance at the Las Vegas Salsa Congress.  I couldn’t even initially enjoy the beauty of the strip or really let it sink in that I was getting ready to turn 40 in less than a week and I was going to be performing in Vegas.  I was lying in my bed, mad as hell and discouraged about my body, again, after looking at myself in the mirror in my costume. Something changed that day.

Tomorrow I turn 40 1/2 🙂 and it’s been a CRAZY six months.  I realize that even though the months were changing and I was aware of the “newness” there were still some “old” things I was dragging along with me.  

It’s like that with the New Year.

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We can buy all the cute clothes, sign up for three gym memberships, hire multiple personal trainers and read every book we can on paleo, veganism and clean eating and if we still hate ourselves at the end of the day, nothing new is going to happen.  The newness begins in the mind.  This blog was a turning point for me. Real talk: I still struggle from time to time.  However, turning a new page on the INSIDE makes everything better.

Who were you six months ago?  Are you still fighting the same battle? Don’t follow the newest fad. Start there.  Your work begins there. Let’s get new for real. The post read as follows:

I am lying in bed in a hotel room in Vegas.

My mind should be on trying to get to this buffet that supposedly has the best vegan items, rehearsing my dance piece, getting myself a ticket to see the Michael Jackson Cirque De Soleil show and downing two gallons of water because it’s 500 degrees here.

Nope. My mind is on that one second reaction I had when I tried on my costume.

Add that to the discussion Kelly and I led last week at FitBloggin and I am now here, with these words (and decision) in my head and heart:

“Die from it or thrive from it.”

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Because this “body image” thing, this fight I’ve had with myself for all these years….yeah, I’m over it. When I felt a sting of disappointment and thought of all the things I wasn’t when I put on that costume, I had a “Come to Jesus” moment right there in the mirror. I will NOT spend another moment tearing myself down. Period.

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Here’s what I’ve learned: the words “in spite of” set us up to believe that there is still something ugly about us but we just learn to get over it. “I love myself in spite of my big butt and horrible stretch marks and I don’t have a six pack and my breast don’t look like the girls on Instagram and I’ve gained ten pounds and even though it makes my waist look big…..”  We can love ourselves and our bodies without acknowledging to others that we are imperfect (they know it because so are they) and still be working towards better health.

Side note: If having a six pack is your goal go for it but putting yourself in mental jail to get it, knocking yourself down for not having it already or not having it look like your friend’s six pack is counter productive. 

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I’m thriving from it. I’m growing from years of eating and exercise abuse. I’m choosing to walk in the acceptance of who I am, to honor the work in progress that I am, to never tear myself down even if I haven’t made my goal yet because believing you’re not enough is not what’s up. Confidence can make your clothes look a whole lot better….

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…..but it can make what’s beneath FEEL a whole lot better. When you feel better about who you are on the inside, you live better on the outside.

I’m off to Starbucks and the buffet! 🙂

This entry was posted in #40IsLikeWhoa, 2015, 2016, body image. Bookmark the permalink.

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