So…..if you saw anything I posted in the past week (or lack thereof) then you know the struggle was straight up real.
Not only did I lose my Uncle Robert last week (my grandmother’s second sibling to die in less than two months) but I just had to come face to face with some stuff I had been avoiding….while I was working out. I had been calling it “focused” and labeling it “go hard or go home” but what I was really doing was hiding behind just another thing that kept me from dealing with my truth. I know working out is good for you (I’m a trainer and group fitness instructor) but ANYTHING that is used as a distraction, no matter how good it is for you can be bad if it isn’t used the right way.
Like I’m totally sure dark chocolate was meant to provide anti-oxidants, not be my crutch every time I get in my feelings. But that’s a different blog.
Basically, I needed to grow some guts. I knew it. It hurt. There wasn’t a Zumba class in the world that could help me deal with it.
I spent the entire week going in and out of consciousness.
I ate very little. I wanted to eat all the guacamole I could. I slept A LOT. I had insomnia. I didn’t want to teach. I wanted to teach seven classes a day. I wanted to trust people with my truth. I held back from telling people “everything” because I felt like a lunatic and was afraid someone was going to committed to the psych ward.
Know what happened?
I spoke my truth and everything changed.
I had to know that my feelings are valid. My truth is my truth. No one has to believe what I believe in or want what I want. No one had to understand my whys for them to be important to me and I don’t need acceptance in order to face my own reality. One little moment in time set me free. I can’t say I feel 100% better but I can tell you I’m eating right now and I’m writing this blog. That’s progress.
I’m ready to get back to my life and I feel more focused than ever to reach my goals. I have given Tasha permission to be herself. I cannot tell you how POWERFUL it is to know, understand and believe that whatever happens, who you are is enough. Because I believe that, I believe I can do anything, including all the things I doubted even BEFORE last week.
I won’t lie. I have some residual thoughts. I have some residual feelings. I have decided to give myself permission to feel. I have given myself permission to be human. The more I feel, the less I hide, the less I hurt myself with food, excessive exercise or just plain neglect myself period.
It’s the last quarter of the year and I may not have reached a weight loss goal on the scale. But, let me tell you, I’ve lost about a million pounds off my shoulders. Right now, that feels better than fitting into any pair of jeans.
I saw a movie this weekend called Stock Option (which, by the way, premiers on TVOne, October 17h so watch out for it. Mark Harris and Swirl Films did their thing) and there was a mantra in there that I have been repeating ALL weekend.
I survived. It’s thriving time.
Thank you for the prayers, texts, phone calls and encouraging messages. Sometimes you just need to work “in.”
I’m baaaaacccckkkkkk!! 🙂