It’s a really odd time to write a blog post but tonight I HAVE to write. The first reason is because I’m too sore to do anything else and the second reason is because now that I have slowed down, my heart can feel.
It’s been an awesome. I had my girls. I had my Starbucks. I’m in L.A. I’ve worked out with Jeanette Jenkins, Jillian Michaels AND Beto Perez today. But I woke up with tears coming down my face that I was successful at hiding my from my roommates.
Today is my son Jordan’s birthday. And death day. Nineteen years ago at 1:55 p.m. my son Jordan took his last breath in my arms shortly after birth. It was the beginning of my demise: my marriage eventually ended, I gained and enormous amount of weight and was severely depressed and suicidal. I had just turned 21 only 11 days before. Some years it doesn’t bother me. I quietly grieve and I go on. This year, I’m under a lot of stress, I just turned 40 and my second son (healthy and amazing) is getting ready to turn 18. I think it’s just one of those years that everything is affecting me….
Or maybe those tears were “I MADE IT” tears. I fought for my LIFE. I’m here feeling stronger than I’ve felt in a long time, surrounded by people who”get” me, love me and haven’t yet told me to shut up about meeting Jeanette Jenkins. I haven’t been on anti-depressants in years (not to say I wouldn’t use them if I needed them) and my dreams feel like more of a reality today than ever. And it’s all because one day, I decided to change my life. I wanted to LIVE. And I have never made it optional since.
Jordan would be proud of me. 🙂