I never intended to write a “birthday message.” I’ve actually written three blog posts in the past five days and had them all deleted by the apps on my phone. I’ve been traveling and, basically, I’ve been in my feelings. I wrote blog posts on freedom, self love, self esteem and changing your perspective of starting over. I could give you details of my trips and post all the pretty pictures but, really, I just think God was slowing me down to think about what this day, my 40th birthday, means to me.
It means not being afraid to start over. It means being free to be myself at all costs. It means loving myself, my imperfect self, my imperfect body. It means keeping cool when things crash because as long as you’re breathing, God has something better. It means realizing that the rest is still unwritten and my anxiety about how it is going to turn out is pointless.
The picture above is from my 4th birthday party. When I was younger, all of my birthday parties were mostly family because lots of my friends weren’t allowed to come because I lived in a housing project. When I kept getting texts and messages (which, by the way, thank you all so much) saying, “love you” or “you are so loved,” I had to sit back and think for a minute. See, I thought the comparison was me being able to be in Vegas and having so many people want to be where I was instead of me begging them to be with me like I did when I was younger. The comparison really is the love was always there. I just had to believe it. And accept it.
And that’s just like life. The potential to be greater is always there. We just have to believe we have access to it, believe we can access and do so. We have to be o.k. with setting goals and having dreams with our imperfect selves and being o.k. when people don’t support us or understand. We have to be o.k. when we fail and be diligent enough to head back to the drawing board.
Today, after choosing to rest instead of running the street asking people to celebrate, I rested with my phone OFF and celebrated myself. It’s a new day indeed. Life feels so new right now. I’m taking it and moving forward. Forty years of being held back by who I thought I should be, forty years of being depressed because of people said I wouldn’t be is enough.
O.K. One picture from Vegas. It was taken by one of my teammates as a joke. It’s super symbolic to me. There is NO NEED EVER for the REST OF MY LIFE to smile and pretend for the camera when my vision is THAT way. I’m looking where I’m going.
You have the opportunity to do the same. :0