Taking Myself Back

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I love what I do.
Sometimes I don’t feel lovely when I do it.
Like yesterday.

I’ve restarted physical therapy for my Achilles. It’s been almost ten months since my surgery and I STILL hurt. I went to bed early Sunday night because the left side of my back was really hurting only to wake up Monday to a schedule full of clients, three classes to teach and a scheduled massage with my friend Andrea between work. But you don’t know Andrea. She is a ninja kinesiologist and I knew the massage would be effective but not relaxing. I was right. And after seeing her, I realized how “unrelaxed” I really was. Zumbathrowdown-23
As soon as I came in, Andrea said, “What’s going on with your traps (trapezius muscles)? I had been in so much quiet pain (fitness professionals try NOT to complain) but my left shoulder had been on fire. She looked in my eyes and said, “Do you not feel good? What’s up?” I guess it showed. I was so tired; mentally and physically. I had idea for a “Grammy-themed” Zumba party but, just like EVERY Monday, thoughts of trying to do something that pleased both my beginners and regulars, college students and seniors dominated my day. My choreography was all over the place (with only two hours left before class), I still had work to do and my email was ringing every five minutes. Did I mention I didn’t have enough lunch? No, I wasn’t feeling good.

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I had also suspected that I was dealing with “something” but hadn’t told a soul. When she got to my feet and asked about my adrenals, I almost jumped off the table. I have been having these unusual cramps in my feet (that can stop me from walking). And I knew all of those lattes (but I love them though) and the stress, sleepless nights and early mornings were doing something to me. She confirmed to me what I say to my clients all of the time: YOU are your best teacher and advocate. If I had listened to my body WEEKS ago, I could have been feeling better. But I felt awful.

After moving and pulling and rubbing and manipulating, Andrea looked at me and said, “You’ve got to take YOU back and you’ve got to do it NOW!” What did she mean? I already HAVE me. I preach this stuff. The proof is all over my Instagram and t-shirts.

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Yeah. Exactly. I became uncomfortable. It was a moment I won’t soon forget. It was like my entire life flashed before me. Survival. I’ve went back into survival mode. It’s time to thrive.

My Zumba class was off. I felt like they wanted more. I had nothing. I couldn’t explain that I was, mentally, still on Andrea’s massage table deciding how to fight for my life. Add in the fact that my entire leg froze up and I couldn’t move for a good portion of the class and there you have it, another reason for me to get myself together: if I don’t, I have nothing to give. Yoga was less dramatic but I’m not sure WHO taught that class: the “surrendered” me or the “fight for your life” me. I think it was the “I don’t have time for this right now so I’ll deal with it later” me. She has shown up too much lately and I’m sick of her too.

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Today was a better day. Both of my yoga classes focused on self love. I got real with myself and was able to share that. I felt like I took a breath. I did have physical therapy today so my foot isn’t happy but the rest of me feels unrestricted. Today my expectation of life is to experience it fully. And to enjoy this pedicure I’ve been putting off for two months. I know. Don’t judge me.

I’m taking myself back. Wanna join me?

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8 Responses to Taking Myself Back

  1. Lisa says:

    I do not have adequate words to express what I am feeling and want to say. But I think you know!!!

  2. Emma says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I am currently experiencing the same thing. My focus is off, I feel stretched too thin. Initially I was practicing self care and love, but I have slowly allowed every body and other things to jump in front of me.
    But your post is a confirmation that I must fight for myself as well.
    I will I am worth it.

  3. Allie says:

    YES I DO! I was nodding my head to so much of what you wrote and (especially) as fitness professionals we tend to sometimes not practice what we preach. We must be on the same wavelength because I’m posting about this tomorrow.
    Glad you made the turn around and that you have one amazing massage therapist!