I left Piloxing today with an uneasy feeling.
It wasn’t just the uncomfortableness in my chest from this bronchitis that has latched on to me like one of my children. It was feeling of “why am I still doing this?” and “what is my purpose?” and “who am I trying to please?” and “why isn’t this getting better?” and “should I have just stayed at home?” and “would an eight to five with benefits, sick leave and a 401K suit me better?” and “is it time for something new?” and “when will I find time?” and “why am I thinking about all of this when I haven’t had dinner?” My head was literally spinning. I made it to the car without talking to anyone (a first for me. If you’ve seen me at the gym, you know I am thirty minutes AFTER class chatting it up with everyone) and got a grip on the steering wheel. All I could feel was the pressure. I was on a chat with my FitFluential family and ASICS last night and we were discussing goals. I realized I didn’t have many. My goal was, seemingly, to help everyone else get to their goals. And I have practically bonkers doing so. When I was being asked what I wanted to do and what I wanted, I, honestly, didn’t know. I started reviewing everything I had done for the year, my “goals” and the things I accomplished and tried to see where it led me.
It led me to the problem I’ve had my ENTIRE life. I’m a people pleaser. And it has me pooped and feeling empty.
The First Mistake: Training for a half marathon on a serious injury. It was an emotional goal. I wanted to run a half marathon with my sister friend Kasey in honor of my friend Miles who meant quite a deal to me. The month before I started training, I had been told I would need surgery. The doctor said I would be o.k. since I had already run one half marathon on the injury (an entire year before) and I believed him). I believed it was o.k. to pound the pavement with my emotions for five months on top of something that hurt like hell every time I took a breath. Well, you know how the story ended, right? Which leads me to…
The Second Mistake: Coming back from surgery too early. I was, literally, on crutches in a boot, training clients. And I meant business. The training part wasn’t as difficult as those dance classes I tried to teach (true story) and then coming back to yoga less than two months later (because the doctor told me six weeks would be all the recovery time I needed. Well, he was wrong.) and then Zumba and Piloxing a week after that. Oh, did I mention I went to a fitness convention my first full week back at work? Ummm, yeah. I needed more time, mentally and physically.
The Third Mistake: Losing the passion and settling for a paycheck. I had gotten to the point of not even wanting to teach (You read that Zumba post, right? You and about 16,000 other people). I LOVE choreography. I LOVE dance. I LOVE music. I hated feeling like Jukebox Dance Girl on Demand. Instead of taking some time off (because Tasha “never” takes time off) and really working on some things I felt from my soul, I just kept going and trying to pretend it didn’t bother me. Until it consumed me. Once I started playing music that moved me, going against the norm with my choreography and not really caring about who was judging me for doing it, I got my groove back. Well, as much as my Achilles will let me. (Did I mention my doctor was wrong about six weeks?)
The Fourth Mistake: Allowing my diet to becoming secondary to my drama. I didn’t realize how much water I WASN’T drinking or how many meals I actually MISSED or how many greens I was not taking in until I slowed down long enough to keep a log. It’s a wonder I didn’t pass out somewhere. I was so busy putting out fires trying to make sure OTHER people got their workouts or didn’t feel depressed or understood how to shop for the right vegetables, get enough sleep and love themselves that I was killing myself in the process. My food is usually the first thing to take a hit. Unfortunately, with a history of an eating disorder, it’s easy for me to go without food and not even realize it. I’ve had to become more conscious of my day to day activity as it pertains to my own health. And side note: This goes for my exercise regimen as well.
The Fifth Mistake: NOT SPEAKING UP. If I had just spoken my truth about what was really in my heart in February or April, about the things I wanted, needed and desired from those around me, it is possible that I would have never been dragging myself out of the gym today in a daze, wondering what the hell was happening to my life. I have a tendency to keep quiet about the things I feel like “don’t matter” to others. But they matter to me. Swallowing my truth left me depressed, facing weight gain, lack of energy, lack of desire to do anything but complain and feeling isolated. And now learning to be authentic with what I feel and how it relates to where I want to go is helping me get clear on MY goals, goals that I can feel good about and strive for with all of my heart and soul.
I may have missed the mark on some things. But I guarantee you. 2015 is a bullseye year for me!
Do you feel like you may have “missed it” somewhere this year? What do you feel like you can do to turn things around?