I’ve died a thousand times from sealing my lips.
And only opening them to scream, to cry, to binge eat.
Pain. A lot of pain.
Because I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted.
And everyone liked me. Everyone except for me.
I hated myself.
I taught myself to disregard my feelings, my thoughts, myself.
And people thought I was overweight merely because I couldn’t control myself around food.
The truth is I was trying to “control myself” around people.
Last night, as the news from Ferguson hit the airwaves, I was in the middle of a Twitter Chat on my Ipad discussing healthy eating. That’s important to me. Healthy eating has been a part of my survival. However, when the words “NO INDICTMENT” flashed across the screen, I grabbed my cell phone and merely typed the word, “Damn.” I was faced with more than one decision.
Do I keep quiet, because people know me as the “positive, fitness girl” or do I add to the consciousness of the conversation because my seventeen year old African American son would be staring me in my eyes when he came home soon? I’m not a “rock the boat” type of person ( not too much). I wanted to keep the peace. But I had none. So I made a choice that was vital to my health: I kept up both conversations. Because if I didn’t speak up, there would have no healthy eating.
See that type of suppression is how I ended up with a binge eating disorder. And the people I tried to please criticized me for gaining weight and I was still running around with unresolved feelings and behavior I couldn’t control. It’s probably part of the reason I REALLY want cake right now. I’ve been trying to stay out of the emotionally charged conversations today but my brain is working overtime, mostly on how we judge each others’ experiences, justify our own opinions and believe that another persons’ suffering could be alleviated if they just did things the way we would have. And that’s not just this situation but weight loss and everything else.
I pledge to not be silenced.
I pledge to not try to silence others.
I pledge to not hide my emotions in my food.
I pledge to eat healthy.
And I pledge to enjoy this piece of cake when I am eating it merely because it tastes good. 🙂
When we step up and are present for ourselves, we can step up and be present for others. Because it IS related.
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