In case you’ve missed the latest score, let me update you:
Life: 1 Tasha: 0
October was a rough month. And I struggled through it privately. The people closest to me knew “something” was wrong but just quietly pulled away instead of loading them down with my heaviness. My classes knew my allergies were setting off my asthma and I couldn’t catch my breath after the first two minutes but still taught class with a smile. My bed knew I was loving on it super hard and didn’t ask questions but still released me in time to go to work and other functions. No one knew what and when I was truly fasting this past week for spiritual reasons. In my weakness, it all came crashing down last night when I hit the shower. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. How did this happen? How did I end up here? Why was EVERYTHING becoming so hard?When I tell you during the month of October (let’s talk about it because it’s over), I had no desire to even eat? No food. No cooking. No desire to eat anything fattening. I even went to the Indian food buffet (when is a place that I’d probably like to live) and didn’t feel like eating. And when I don’t eat, I can’t work out. I didn’t lift a weight (not in planned session for myself) the ENTIRE month. What personal trainer does THAT? What person who tells people who motivated and encouraged they should be does THAT?
A person who fights depression and tries to believe that beast mode is bigger than what is biologically happening to me.
Because, like you, I’ve heard ALL of the quotes:
“You’re stronger than you think you are.”
“Quit being lazy and just do it.”
“You’re only one workout from a good mood.”
“You’re only depressed because you are thinking about yourself.”
And some of them work….sometimes, if they aren’t about shaming. I AM stronger than I am think I am. And depression is real. And I’m not being lazy. I wish it were that simple. I think positive all day long and BOOM! Next thing I know, I’m back in the bed. And I DO feel MUCH better after a workout IF I can get myself up EMOTIONALLY to do it. And I SWEAR, if I could turn depression off merely because I was thinking about myself, then I’d flip the switch, burn it and be done with it.
Because what I am NOT is lazy, selfish and unwilling to change. And I think there are A LOT of people out there just like me. When I post things, I try to talk to the part of “me” that needs the pep talk hoping it will reach that part of “those” people because, well, I’ve been shamed enough. Sometimes we can just be lazy. And sometimes we need to just call a spade a spade, you know? Sometimes people DO just want the easy way out. And after struggling with my weight for years, I know, first hand, no matter WHAT road you take, there is NO easy way out. It is about hard work (mentally and physically), dedication and commitment. And I speak to that as well. Because I’ve been that person as well.
Through all of it, there is one trait of mine that never changes:
I don’t give up easily. I just don’t.
I’m super excited about November. I’ve made some adjustments. I have some things in place. I’m thankful I haven’t had to go back on prescription anti-depressants in ten years (not to say that I wouldn’t if I had to) and I’m at the point of being able to identify my triggers (one MAJOR one being the changing of the seasons and daylight savings time). I’m fervently praying over my issues from October and believing resolve is sooner than I think and I have decided that there is a space I am willing to take between the bed and beast mode right now and it’s called “building mode.” I am committed to doing something every day that takes me forward towards the place I need to be. It may be weight training that day. It may be calling a friend to say, “hey, I’m really hurting and I need to talk” so I can get out of the bed and make it to the gym the next day. But it WON’T be suffering in silence. And you can’t go forward like that.
I’m looking forward to brighter days and brighter posts and feeling better (especially after drinking this Ayurvedic pain relief tea I saw on Twitter: filtered water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, black pepper, ginger, turmeric and honey. Oooh weeee.)
bigger, fuller breaths, loving more, being loved on more, more sharing, more changes, more Jesus, more growing, more life.
It’ll be a sweet November.
The winner of this October’s Puritan’s Pride Seasonal Smoothie Giveaway is Jordan D.! Congratulations! Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prize! Be on the lookout for November’s edition!