I’ve claimed November as a turn around point. And I am believing it to be so.
There’s a new energy, a new spirit that is coming forth and it is affecting the way I exercise, teach, talk, write, communicate and live. And as disturbing as it’s been, I’m starting to like it.
But, at first, I hated it.
If you want to talk about coming face to face with your demons, I mean EVERY one you’ve EVER had, start standing up to fear, deciding to be vulnerable and courageous and doing what’s right and just for you instead of seeking applause.
It started with my diet.
According to my friends and family, I only eat grass and trees. But what they don’t know is that sometimes grass and trees are buried inside the bottom of a huge bag of cashews or endless amounts of Starbucks cups, bottomless bowls of warm tortilla chips, swimming in green curry sauce, dipped in dark chocolate or baked inside of a piece of vegan carrot cake. And, sometimes, grass and trees just didn’t look good for days at a time and since it was the only thing I ate, I just didn’t eat.
Needless to say, I can be an extremist (battled anorexia AND binge eating). And when I found these patterns returning and I couldn’t stop them, I felt more depressed. The more depressed I felt, the more I ate or didn’t eat. I slept in between social media posts, training sessions and classes. I cried in the shower and prayed for mercy on the many nights my anxiety/sleeping medication failed me and I was staring at the ceiling wide awake at 1:00 a.m. And 2:00 a.m. And 3:00 a.m. And I was crying at 4:30 a.m. when I had to get up and put my face on because I had to go to the gym and train a client and post something witty to social media.
I wasn’t being fake because I meant every word I said. Every time. I was just wishing with everything in me that there were someone waiting on me to make me every morning to help push ME to be better, someone who cared enough to speak into my life when I got up, someone who knew I was crying so much that I was dehydrated. I needed me.
I needed me.
I needed me.
I cannot explain what happened what happened in that moment. But I knew I was tired of “it.” I was tired of feeling like this the same way I had been tired of being overweight, tired of hating myself, tired of being out of breath, tired of feeling weak, tired of feeling sick every time I ate, tired of turning down invitations because I could no longer fit my clothes, tired of asking permission to be my best self. And I knew what it took. I had been down before. Plenty of times. When a friend asks me how everything was going I replied, “It’s hell. But don’t worry. Rising is what I do best.”
It was time to get up. And God gave me enough strength and vision to see the REAL problem: ME.
I had given up on myself while rooting for others and when I realized the hole I had climbed in (voluntarily), I was too afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pull myself out and I was afraid I would be judged by the very people I tried to lift up.
And I just had to not care about what people thought. Period. The depression is real. Compassion fatigue (a term my clients shared with me from a conference she went to and, woooo, it set my world on fire!) is real. Being afraid to be criticized is real. Self loathing is real. Lack of energy from an imbalance of food and lack of sleep is real. Fear is real. And I had all of them.
So as I step (I mean LEAP because, ooooh weeeee, it’s crazy over here!) into this new season of being o.k. with where I am, being authentic about what I feel and what I know to be true and moving forward with being better than I was yesterday and creating a better life not just another great post or to make a great impression, I’m excited about the changes that are coming in how I teach my classes (last week, the cool down for Zumba? Yes!), how I train my clients (so you want to be better? Hard work. Dedication. The end. Up another level.), how I do business, use my voice and my reach, how I encourage and listen, how I dance, how I breathe. Because better is a choice. And I’m choosing it. Because I can. It’s always a choice.
Better starts in 3, 2, 1, NOW!
What can you do start working on better right now?