Forget Beyonce. You know who I’m tired of seeing pictures of?
I’ve been starting to wonder if “she” is holding me captive. The 230 plus pound me (I would do anything not to be her again) and the 130 pound something me (I spent too much time longing to be her again even though I was super sick) have played SO many tricks on my mind for the past decade, maybe longer. And I keep asking myself why is it so important for me to flash a before picture? I remember EVERY BIT of what it was like. Every moment of every day. I remember what it was like to be sick and thin. Every moment of every day. What am I trying to prove to who and why? How is she (the former me) serving me and how does THIS woman get the opportunity to live on her own terms?
I’ll admit. It’s easy to feel pretty rock star when people ask you how much weight you’ve lost and you have this BIG number to share. And if you’ve read my story then you know I’ve lost a lot of weight several times. But my victory was never in the number. I’ve watched myself claim victory over some things that have never ever even been posted to my blog. And if you add in the amount of emotional weight I shed then I’d be thirty pounds! When I look at pictures, I can see what others don’t. I know my real story. I know when my smiles are fake. I know when they are genuine. I know what was happening in my life when the pictures were taken. I remember if I had just been crying after a large binge eating disorder or if I had been starving myself for three days. I know if I had put on a certain outfit to make my stomach look smaller. I know if I had worn a certain color because a friend told me I looked good in it. I know if I had worn a shirt with a certain saying on it because there was an underlying message. I know if I had worn black because I was grieving the loss of something emotionally that day. I know if I had put lip gloss on that day to take away from my swollen eyes because I had cried so much that morning. So to keep posting and reposting pictures isn’t necessarily a sign of victory. The victory is that I still get up every morning, train and teach with all of my heart and take care of myself when I could have just given up. I don’t need to see it and don’t need anyone else to see it. I’ve lived it. MY LIFE is proof.
I’ve felt like the bigger me and the smaller me have tried to fight for space inside of the current me because they all want the spotlight. Everybody wants to tell their story, over and over and over again. I do not take away from the fact that what I have overcome has power but it also has the power to drown me if I’m always stuck in it. That story shaped me to do what I do. But I can’t do it always stuck in who I was. I used to be 232 lbs. But I’m not NOW. I used to be 138 lbs. But I’m not NOW. The real question is WHO IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO BE NOW and why is this past chick so important?
I’ve decided to be over the mourning and I’ve decided to be over the longing. Being fit and being healthy and being happy and living on purpose is just what I do. And it may look different today than it looks ten years from now. But I won’t stay stuck in her story. I’ll keep writing and let the book create itself. Then someone else can read it and be encouraged.
Step out of your story and into your life. What is already written cannot be erased. Turn the page. Keep writing. It may look different but if if you’re growing, it’s all good. Getting stuck sucks. 🙂