Can I just go there this evening?
My head is pounding. I am on the tightrope between what to share and what to conceal. I am trying to balance taking the criticism and dealing with this in private and screaming my head off, trying to defend myself, giving the facts and hoping it would generate mercy instead of pointing fingers and whispers. I am teeter tottering between trying to go, go, go because it’s what I do and fighting what’s really happening to my body.
And I am worn out.I have not been on a scale since my surgery. I knew for a fact that I had lost quite a few pounds after surgery but didn’t want to get obsessed with feeling like “myself again.” Because I wasn’t. See, around October, I just started gaining weight out of nowhere. I was still exercising and still eating well but I just put on pounds that I COULD NOT get rid of and I was so frustrated every time I looked in the mirror or tried to put my size whatever jeans on that I didn’t even want to go to work. Combine that with seasonal depression and a string of events that would put anybody in a bad mood and it became a rough winter. I handled the stares, got my butt up and taught my classes, trained my clients, started serious weight training again and even started training for a half marathon.
Then I got hurt. Then I had to have the surgery. I could barely walk those few weeks before my surgery but I was still getting up every morning, showing up for my training sessions with a smile and my classes with more enthusiasm than ever. Clients weren’t motivated. Classes were so so. And people wanted me to create magic. And I had none. I was literally giving them everything I had and it wasn’t enough. I felt so empty on top of being injured and the weight gain and being pulled from the half marathon.
And here I am, the sickest I’ve been in a really long time (consistently), tired, frustrated and in pain and then……then……today, the nurse wants to put me on the scale. I TOLD her I didn’t want to see/hear the number. I’m the former anorexic, remember? I’m the former binge eater who hit back at the world by punishing myself. I’m the obsessive exerciser who would do ANYTHING not to stand out among her co-workers as the “big girl.” And what did she do? Say the number aloud. I, literally, almost fell backwards. I haven’t heard that number in a really, really, really, long time.
My husband tried to console me when I came out pale faced into the lobby. “What’s your body fat though?” He asked. I do NOT look like what I weigh but the answer I gave him is not appropriate for this blog. I took a deep breath and thought of all of the reasons why it could have been up: I was fully dressed with shoes, had to go to the bathroom AND it was the middle of the day and I had just eaten lunch, not to mention my body is full of inflammation. But it didn’t matter now. I was at the point I have been trying to show people for I don’t know HOW long: I’m on this journey WITH you. I have no magic tricks. My body can freak out just like yours and, apparently, I can too. But I’m in it to feel better not have a better body. But the side effect was always nice. But I digress…….
After the mini-meltdown, I STILL had to go in and see the doctor for one of the most serious things I’ve had to face. And that’s coming from a woman who’s had four surgeries in five and a half years. What’s going to happen to me? What’s going to happen to my career? Will I be sick forever? Is there a cure? Are you going to tell me I’m imagining this again? What in the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. I do, however, have new prescriptions, $30 less in my bank account from paying a co-pay, a bandaged arm from blood work and an appointment to come back in six weeks. Sigh.
Fitness has been life for close to ten years now. I cannot imagine doing anything else. But this is where I get off the train of trying to do it FOR anybody else. Fitness, for me, is so much bigger than posting sweaty selfies and discussing how many calories we’ve burned. I did ALL of that and, right now, I don’t feel very fit at all. I feel weak. But when I dig deep, already having a plan as to how I am going to rise above WHATEVER my challenges may turn out to be then I know my fit lifestyle has served me well and the feeling of feeling fit will return again. And it will be on MY terms.
Sure, I felt like Wonder Woman killing a Piloxing class on one leg after not doing one in three months and not dying. And being able to keep up in most of the classes I was doing with my surgery recovery AND my other physical challenges. And yet I feel so behind, so out of the loop, so like that 232 lb. girl from my past.
I’m frustrated but I’m not done. I just don’t believe my best has been revealed yet. So if you notice I’m slower or my arms look bigger, pray for my healing and encourage me instead of chanting all of the “fit mantras” behind my back. We all have a story and you NEVER know what someone is going through and why they are in a certain situation. It’s why I do what I do.
If you are struggling or battling something but you’re still in the game, hi-five to you. Frustration is a stepping stone but it isn’t the end unless we decide it’s going to be. We’ll hold each other up.
Let’s do this.