There’s good news and there’s bad news and there’s great news.
The good news is that my tendon is NOT ruptured. The bad news is I have some for real bursitis going on and have been advised to get off of my foot. This means……SIGH……..(I can’t believe I am getting ready to type this) no half-marathon. 🙁 The great news is that I’ve uncovered a serious behavior problem and I am looking forward to having six weeks to work on it.
Unknown to many, I was scheduled way back in December to have surgery on my Achilles. I have been dealing with this injury for over three years (no that is NOT a typo). I chose to put the surgery off so that I could run the half marathon in May. I had already run one on this injury and taught a million classes and since they were going to fix it anyway, I figured I might as well wear it all the way out.
That had to be the dumbest idea ever.
It was pretty funny (and terrifying) to see me negotiating with my doctor on when I could take six weeks off. I had a training to do. I wanted to do a special class that month. Nope, I needed to be fresh for this event. I know people call that a lot of things: dedicated, beast mode, hard working, etc. but as I sit on this side, always in pain with burning shooting up from my heel to my knee constantly, let me tell you, I wish I had just stopped the first time. The truth is I never considered that I could have gotten worse before the surgery had a chance to make it better. I just wanted to make it better, easier for other people.
What fitness instructor goes on a leave of absence in January? That would have been absurd except for the fact that I was out anyway because I had the flu and pneumonia. It was a stop sign I ignored. I started having problems with my knees. It was a stop sign I ignored. I no longer had the weekends to recover. I was running three days a week and teaching extra classes. I was no longer able to pop out of bed. It was a stop sign I ignored. I popped my ankle doing sprints early one morning and I just tied my shoes up tighter and tried to keep going. The very next day, I left town and taught a Piloxing master class, woke up the next morning and taught a nine hour Piloxing workshop and then woke up the day after that and ran six miles. Then drove home in pain. It was a stop sign I could no longer ignore. But I ignored it as long as I could so I wouldn’t disappoint other people.
What makes us hurt ourselves to “help” others? Or what we consider help? What makes us push beyond our limits so others won’t be disappointed in us? What makes us feel like we have to prove ourselves, our loyalty, our worth, time and time again so that we feel valued, respected, loved, adored, wanted?
And what would make me put myself in a position to go down six months (ruptured tendon as opposed to what I have) instead of six weeks, keeping me away from what I love even more?
I’m not going to lie. Running for Miles was BIG for me. But my love for him or anybody else had nothing to do with what I do physically. If I never run again, I will always have love for that young man and a part of me will always grieve him. But I can honor him by living a life of joy and giving because when I think of him, I remember that smile and all of the quiet things he did behind the scenes that got lost behind that larger than life personality. 🙂 Running with Kasey and representing my Under Armour team was big for me. And I am dealing with the feeling of letting them down. But I didn’t get kicked off the team for being injured. 🙂
My worth is not in what I do but who I am. And who I am is a woman who would love for her friends and family to bring her plenty of produce, wheatgrass shots and books while she is at home recovering, physically and mentally. 🙂
Is there something, physically or mentally, that you need some “down time” to recover from? If so, how will you make the time to do so?