There is nothing like a great before and after shot to get us motivated.
And, let me tell you, there is NOTHING like the feeling of “BEING” the after shot. And the after person.
But the true before and after is not something that has ever been caught on camera.
My “before” had nothing to do with “weight,” well, physical weight, per se. It had to do with the way I held my challenges on my shoulders. I think I could control, or so I thought, was what was going in my mouth. What I wanted was to “feel good” in some way because I was feeling miserable all over. What I wanted was instant gratification because everything I wanted or had ever dreamed of seems so far off into the distance. What I wanted was something to numb me because I hated who I had become. Combine that with living away from home on a college student’s budget, in “love” and unmedicated (which I should have been at the time), detached from all of my spiritual roots and it was the setup for disaster. When real tragedy struck, I fell into a hole I had dug for myself. The weight was a symptom of a bigger problem.
The problem was life and how I viewed it. I had allowed my LIFE to get out of control. What was happening internally now had a physical reflection and it was called a size 24.
And I look at myself now….
People congratulate me on the weight. And let me tell you, THANK GOD!! Because the weight was an issue. It really was. But I have lost weight in a lot of ways I didn’t want to, ways that I wasn’t proud of and then it came back. I didn’t want to be congratulated for anorexia. I didn’t want to be congratulated for panic attacks and anxiety that kept me from being able to hold any food on my stomach. I didn’t want to be congratulated for excessive exercise and counting calories so seriously that I was dreaming about it in my sleep and counting out grams of protein before my feet hit the floor in the morning. But, to the outside world, I “looked good.” But I felt like crap.
These days, with my head on straight, a balanced diet and workout schedule, I feel good about where my journey has led me. And it’s not really measurable in ONE picture. Or a dress size. It’s reflection of my life. It’s in the confidence by which I can lead and follow, in how I made decisions and mistakes, try new things, dance a little more intense, get a little more rest, rejoice in simplicity, walk away from folly, create boundaries, share stories, be vulnerable, be brave and be epic!