I packed my running shoes and took them to Puerto Rico with me.
There was a reason why I wanted my first training run to be on this trip. And it didn’t happen. I never even put the shoes on. I stared at them. A lot. (They are sort of hard to miss.) Every stare led me further and further down that “thought process” that gets me into a place of needing to push the little button and call out, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Why I am doing this?
There. I said it.
This run (that I haven’t done) is emotionally and physically hard. I have been operating on a super-inflamed Achilles tendon for over three years (which I am scheduled for surgery two days after the race) and I miss Miles. A lot. More than I admit. And I now have my own sixteen year old son who runs track. It’s sometimes more than I can bear. And THAT is what keeps me from putting the shoes on. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Because sometimes I just believe I cannot run another 13.1 miles.
Last week, I posted a picture on Instagram of me wearing my half-marathon finisher shirt. I had to psych myself out. I’ve done this before. I did it with Miles on my heart. And my arm. And in his memory. But everything feels so heavy. And “I” feel so heavy. I keep telling myself, “you’re not a runner.” I even shared with someone that I wish they would let me Zumba for 13 miles instead.
I signed up for this race with my Under Armour teammate Kasey (who, by the way was all up on the Racheal Ray show today showing off her amazing skills in the kitchen. Get it, girlfriend!) who is doing this race (her first) in memory of her friend Kyle who died during the Pittsburgh marathon. I was so emotionally connected and understood that I signed up without thinking about the fact that I couldn’t breathe for days after the race (my allergies set off the asthma I had been told was gone), the fact that I’d have to train for this and the fact that I might be the last one to finish. 🙂 And I’m starting to think there was a reason for that. Under Armour got right behind me and supported me. Miles’ mom got right behind me and supported me. The only person to get on board is, well……
I cannot run outside right now because of my allergies so if you should see me working it out on a treadmill near you just know I have decided to go for it. Because it’s more than a run. And more than a finish line. And more than a dedication. It’s showing up for my life knowing that, whatever happens, I didn’t hold back and I went for it.
Where do you need to show up for life?