“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson~
What a day.
When I was able to share some hurt I had been feeling to a friend early this morning, my fears basically showed up like a white straight jacket and I had to make a decision. I knew I had been hiding because I wanted to “keep the peace.” I wanted to “be a part.” I didn’t want to “rock the boat.” And everywhere I went this morning, I realized I was already WAAAAY out of the boat and I was either going to let that fear of what other people thought of me and my desire to me accepted tie me up or I was going to break free. For real.
I sat in my car with two minutes to get to my next client and I swear, I saw my entire life flash before me. I’ve been down this road before, facing challenges, most of them on paths that I have to walk alone, and somehow God had always managed to pull me out of the mess that I called my life just in time. I’ve been through it. And I’m still here. People were laughing and doubting me then, close friends and family included, pointing fingers, telling me I was going to fail, I was crazy and “who did I think I was?” When I realized I was here and no longer there, my fingers started typing real fast. I posted a very personal testimony on Facebook with my hands shaking and memories that felt like a rope around my neck and went into the gym.
30 minutes later, 70 people had liked that post. And it wasn’t because they “liked” me. And I no longer needed them to “like” me. I knew I had a voice and I was ready to speak up. The rest of the day has opened itself to me being able to share energy (physical and emotional) that I didn’t know I had. Let me just tell you right now, I have never burned over 900 calories in Piloxing. And when my Zumba class was walking slow out of the room looking at me wondering what I had drank, I knew what had happened.
I found my voice.
So can I confess?
I’ve been keeping secrets.
Because I’ve been afraid.
I’ve been afraid that the good things will be taken away from me.
I’ve been afraid that more people will turn their backs on me.
I’ve been afraid that, somehow, I don’t deserve any of this.
And then I sit down, slowly from the killer workouts I’ve been doing lately, sip my water instead of those wild cherry Pepsi’s I used to down all of the time, eat my vegan dinner (different from the half of fried chicken and white bread, fries and slaw), stare at pictures of me in a sales uniform from when I worked the front desk at a gym and pictures of me teaching almost two hundred people at a time dressed in Under Armour and I realize….
All of the people who don’t want to see my workout pictures probably wouldn’t be interested in pictures of me on the days when the depression was so crippling that I couldn’t get out of bed. Or maybe pictures of the stretch marks that are ALL OVER my body from being so overweight. How about pictures of my red eyes on the days that I cried because I was being criticized for being too “big” for this industry. Or the days I criticized myself because I couldn’t do handstand or run more miles or lift more weight. Because it ain’t all pretty. But it’s all me. And just like I found out today, someone is struggling inside because they haven’t found their voice. And if me speaking up and shredding that straight jacket in half helps them step into their own power, then POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!!
And Piloxing for everyone!
Now, for the secret……..
I have been chosen to be in the February edition of Fitness Magazine yep, THAT one!) No six pack abs. No bench pressing double my body weight. No handstands. Just me and my story. In my voice. Saying that OUT LOUD and sharing it feels amazing.
I hope you realize whatever light you see me is also in you. We can light up the world but we can’t be afraid to shine. Boastfulness and pride are different than sharing your gifts. You ARE adequate.
Is there something you feel like you’ve been hiding or keeping “low profile” because you are afraid to shine? How could you go past your fear and step into your liberation?