“Who in the hell do you think you are?”
It’s a line I’ve heard a few times in my life. O.K. more than a few. Quite a bit. It’s been said behind my back (so it was more like, “who in the hell does she think she is?”) but to my face (do text messages and e-mails count?) numerous times. People are quick to “remind” me who they “think” I am, where I came from, what I have and what I don’t have, who “they” are in correlation to who I am and, yeah, who in the hell do I think I am?
I am mostly startled, disturbed, frustrated, saddened, angry and hurt when these words come from one person. And I have heard them from her more times than I would like to admit.
And, lately, me, myself and I have been having it out. Big time.
In the past few weeks, I have went from facing the possibility of walking away from fitness period (yeah, the private struggle I have yet to discuss) to not having time to eat because I was bouncing back and forth between interviews and e-mails about opportunities, new assignments and blogs and phone calls. I went from feeling like I was the smallest goldfish in the pond to like, “Wow! What I am doing is really making a difference.” And then the “nots” starting showing up.
- “You’re not a trained dancer.”
- “You’re not a 200 hour trained yoga teacher.”
- “You’re not all the way in a size 4, Sister.”
- “You’re not an exercise person by trade.”
- “You’re not as educated on spirulina as you think.”
- “You’re not as popular as other people on Facebook.”
- “You’re not making the big bucks. Stop while you’re ahead.”
The list went on and on. Who in the hell did I think I was, a girl who learned her choreography skills practicing with her girls in the confines of a housing project, taught herself yoga, was her own first personal training client without any formal training, learned what I could from who I could to transition to a healthy vegan diet, built a following based on more personal relationships than anything and went against the advice of just about every sane person in my life to follow my dream of doing fitness full time?
I am THAT girl. Because I did it. And I decided that I’m GOING to do it until I CAN’T. That’s different than WON’T. Because releasing those NOTS sure did release a lot of tension out of my body and made way for me to see what I am going to do next.