I have had a lot of bad nights.
And then there was last night.
I am sure those couple of shots of espresso AND the large coffee blend given to me by the wonderful young
ladies at Starbucks (thank you!) didn’t help but I was in Starbucks to begin with because my mind was busy. I handled a little business, came home and felt like I was going to fall over with the thoughts. The television was on the news (well, capturing a terrorist is MAJOR news) and I tend to absorb too many emotions from the news so I don’t watch it but I was too preoccupied to get up and turn it off. I was playing Ruzzle, texting my friend and doing push-ups all at the same time. After getting beat, telling my friend I loved her and a hundred push-ups and hundred crunches later, I was still wide awake.
Me and my fear.
The other night in my Spring Slim Down group, I told them I wasn’t afraid of failing as much as I was afraid of dying in my mediocrity. That word, MEDIOCRITY, has followed me since the fourth grade when my teacher called me mediocre in front of my entire class. I was having problems unknown to her at home and my work had begun to slip. At age nine, a name is a name (even if I did think she was calling me “mediOKRA and I loved okra but oh well.) But something changed in me that year. My normal getting straight “A’s” eventually turned into C’s and I got my first “F” the next year. I sort of gave up trying. Who cares about being the smart kid when you go to a magnet school and EVERYONE is smart?
Is that who I’ve become?
If you ask me to describe myself or tell you anything about me, here’s what I’ll probably say: I love peanut butter, music, dance, books and sleep. I love helping people. I hate it when people are in pain. I’m not the revenge type nor am I competitive…..
So, I’m not really a liar. I’ve just changed over the years.
I AM competitive. In a way that has made me uncomfortable. And it’s keeping me in my mediocrity.
I have a tendency NOT to do anything I won’t excel in immediately. I am not the LEAST bit concerned about any type of dance ANYTHING because, well, God just gave me an overflow. But when it comes to running, I’ll run as long as I know no one I know is running and has a chance to beat me. When I know someone I know has beaten me then I lose my mojo and I don’t want to try. It keeps me from reaching for all of those new things I could be doing.
Did you know my Facebook timeline, Twitter feed and Instagram are FULL of people BETTER than me?
And some days it’s motivating. Other days, I feel so far behind, like I did in the fourth grade that I find myself comfortable at my own little level of fitness and I smile, do my same little stuff and I’m done with it.
And I’m done doing that.
I don’t (honestly) care about being “better” than anyone. I just want to be better than myself. I want to GET OVER MYSELF. I do not want to shortchange how far I’ve come because of how much farther others have went. I have had a pretty rock star journey. And I am thankful for it. And I want to go farther BECAUSE of it because I CAN. Because I KNOW it’s in me. It’s the same thing in me that let me lose 90
lbs. (and other weight OVER AND OVER again). It’s the same thing that drove me, a non runner to not only do the Warrior Dash but two other mud run AND a half marathon in less than three months. It’s the same thing that let a once shy child get up in front of hundreds and teach classes doing the same things others wouldn’t let her do when she was younger. Mediocrity wasn’t born in me. I grabbed as a crutch and held on to it.
Good-Bye. I shall never grab on to you again. And unless I die before I press publish, I will die in greatness, not in mediocrity.
Today, I walk on my own. I might even run.
What about you? What crutch are you holding on to that keeps you from running for what you REALLY want?