I Bid Good-Bye

I have had a lot of bad nights.
And then there was last night.

I am sure those couple of shots of espresso AND the large coffee blend given to me by the wonderful young
ladies at Starbucks (thank you!) didn’t help but I was in Starbucks to begin with because my mind was busy.  I handled a little business, came home and felt like I was going to fall over with the thoughts.  The television was on the news (well, capturing a terrorist is MAJOR news) and I tend to absorb too many emotions from the news so I don’t watch it but I was too preoccupied to get up and turn it off.  I was playing Ruzzle, texting my friend and doing push-ups all at the same time.  After getting beat, telling my friend I loved her and a hundred push-ups and hundred crunches later, I was still wide awake.

Me and my fear.

The other night in my Spring Slim Down group, I told them I wasn’t afraid of failing as much as I was afraid of dying in my mediocrity.  That word, MEDIOCRITY, has followed me since the fourth grade when my teacher called me mediocre in front of my entire class.  I was having problems unknown to her at home and my work had begun to slip.  At age nine, a name is a name (even if I did think she was calling me “mediOKRA and I loved okra but oh well.) But something changed in me that year.  My normal getting straight “A’s” eventually turned into C’s and I got my first “F” the next year.  I sort of gave up trying.  Who cares about being the smart kid when you go to a magnet school and EVERYONE is smart?

Is that who I’ve become?

If you ask me to describe myself or tell you anything about me, here’s what I’ll probably say: I love peanut butter, music, dance, books and sleep.  I love helping people.  I hate it when people are in pain.  I’m not the revenge type nor am I competitive…..

SSSSSSSSSSSSSCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCHHHHHHHHH!!!

So, I’m not really a liar.  I’ve just changed over the years. 
I AM competitive.  In a way that has made me uncomfortable.  And it’s keeping me in my mediocrity.

I have a tendency NOT to do anything I won’t excel in immediately. I am not the LEAST bit concerned about any type of dance ANYTHING because, well, God just gave me an overflow.  But when it comes to running, I’ll run as long as I know no one I know is running and has a chance to beat me.  When I know someone I know has beaten me then I lose my mojo and I don’t want to try.  It keeps me from reaching for all of those new things I could be doing.

Did you know my Facebook timeline, Twitter feed and Instagram are FULL of people BETTER than me? 
And some days it’s motivating.  Other days, I feel so far behind, like I did in the fourth grade that I find myself comfortable at my own little level of fitness and I smile, do my same little stuff and I’m done with it.

And I’m done doing that. 

I don’t (honestly) care about being “better” than anyone.  I just want to be better than myself.  I want to GET OVER MYSELF.  I do not want to shortchange how far I’ve come because of how much farther others have went. I have had a pretty rock star journey.  And I am thankful for it.  And I want to go farther BECAUSE of it because I CAN.  Because I KNOW it’s in me. It’s the same thing in me that let me lose 90

lbs. (and other weight OVER AND OVER again).  It’s the same thing that drove me, a non runner to not only do the Warrior Dash but two other mud run AND a half marathon in less than three months.  It’s the same thing that let a once shy child get up in front of hundreds and teach classes doing the same things others wouldn’t let her do when she was younger.  Mediocrity wasn’t born in me.  I grabbed as a crutch and held on to it.

Good-Bye.  I shall never grab on to you again.  And unless I die before I press publish, I will die in greatness, not in mediocrity.

Today, I walk on my own.  I might even run.
What about you?  What crutch are you holding on to that keeps you from running for what you REALLY want?

This entry was posted in 2013, Beat The Juggernaut, exercise, fitness, half marathon, motivational, mud run, Pretty Muddy Run, running, self-inquiry, springslimdown, Warrior Dash, weight loss. Bookmark the permalink.

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