I have been working for over a month straight.
And I don’t say that for a “Woot! Woot! Go, girl! You are STRONG!”
I actually think it’s insanity.
Wednesday, I had my breaking point. I was sitting in the parking lot, feeling like I couldn’t even turn my keys. My mind was racing. Do I let people down who look forward to taking my class all week? Do I inconvenience my last client and ask her to reschedule because I was too tired to tell a kettlebell from Tinkerbell? This is where I struggle. People depend on me. They tell me that EVERY DAY. It’s VITAL that I am there so they could get what they need.
But, for me, at that moment, well, I had to decide between guilt and a gown….a hospital gown. I was going down quickly as my email, text messages and Facebook continually went off. I grabbed my phone and sent my friend Candice a text asking her to sub my class. And I was sick. Would people be mad at me? Was I punking out? Did I just need some B-12? I texted my client and asked her if she could reschedule. I was hoping she said “no” so I could continue wearing my cape and then I would already be at the gym so I could just call Candice back and tell her I’d teach. It just made sense. That is, until I looked at the picture of my children on my cell phone. What was I doing?
I decided to teach the class I was on my way to, knock out my last morning client and go home. I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t even want lunch. I wanted to pass out. And I don’t want a reward for that.
There was a time in my career where I was teaching 18 classes a week. I had a personal training clientele and WAY too many people to answer to on a daily basis. I felt like a maniac. Then I got sick. Really sick. Started having seizures. Then had to have an unrelated surgery. I never went back to that schedule because I remember feeling out of control.
I am just about there.
What is it that makes us feel like we need to do it ALL? Is it that we “like” being counted on? or called “SuperWoman” or other names that feed our ego? Is it because if what we are afraid of what we’ll see if we stop? For me, I am not sure but I KNOW, for my health, I have GOT to slow down because I cannot offer anything to anyone that I do not have. Feeling depleted is not the same as giving your all. I put my best foot forward all of the time but if I just throw both feet in, I am off balance. And, right now, my personal exercise, rest and food are off balance. It’s time to stand back up….not just for everyone who depends on me but for myself.
Do you need some rest? What will it take for you to retire your cape?