Present But Are You Accounted For?

I have been sitting here, eating my brown rice and tofu, drinking my water out of the gallon jug, with my foot on a stack of about 20 fitness and health magazines, staring at a plastic storage bin full of workout DVD’s, surrounded by caseloads of books on detoxing, meditation, peak performance, sports nutrition, yoga, pilates, partner workouts, vegan cooking, stress management,  bootcamps, etc. only outnumbered by folders of handouts and articles I’ve saved from workshops and magazines over the years.  My Ipod is hooked in to upload new motivating music.  In the corner is just one piece of the million pieces of fitness equipment I own.  This is NOT because I am a trainer.  This is because like, a lot of you, I have spent YEARS searching for my “motivation” in the wrong places.  And I STILL haven’t reached my goal weight.  And, yes, I’m for real.

Can I just be honest?  There are days I exercise merely because, well, I’m scheduled to do so for work.  I, like a lot of you, very much dislike getting up in the dark EVERY MORNING (at least 6 days a week), getting dressed in the dark, eating in the dark and driving in the dark.  And, it’s COLD.  If there were not clients there waiting for me,  I’d sleep in for sure.  I tend to get workouts in because I choose not to come back home.  That’s something I just started doing in the past three months.  I used to spend my breaks in Starbucks playing Words With Friends.  I used to think it was because I was just tired of looking at the same walls all of the time.  But it was something else, something bigger.  And from reading your posts and personal emails and messages yesterday, I am going to go ahead and assume a lot of us are in the same boat or at least have been in it.

We are “present” but not “accounted for” because the stakes aren’t high enough for us to dig deeper….yet.

I haven’t reached my “bikini body” because, well, I don’t care enough to have one.  I’ve only been to the beach twice in my life.  Seeing other people flash their flat abs in bikinis just doesn’t motivate me.  Sometimes I’m angry because I think I’ll never look like that.  Sometimes I’m angry because I want to be at the beach.  Sometimes I’m angry because people are always calling you “lazy” if you don’t look like them saying, “it’s all an excuse.”  Sometimes, well, I AM lazy. Most of the time I am frustrated because I am so busy thinking about what I can’t do, how long this is going to take, why won’t the fat just fall off, one cookie isn’t going to kill me and I “did” exercise.  But my mind wasn’t there.  And when I realized my mind wasn’t there, I kept looking for things, outside things, to GET my mind there, which is why I have all of this stuff in my house.  Every time I felt down or “unmotivated”, I’d “buy” something.  I NEVER ONCE thought that I needed to sit down somewhere and ask myself what I REALLY wanted and what was stopping me from getting it.

A lot of mine has been fear.  And dislike for the process.   While I have never taken a diet pill in my life, I have, on numerous occasions, wished I had a genie to blast this fat off of me.  And, I think short term.  If I burn 1,000 calories in a day, I believe I should weight  ten pounds less.  When I don’t, I am discouraged.  It’s all physically driven.  I see pictures of people all the time saying I’m “lazy” if I don’t look like them because there are “no excuses.”  Sometimes excuses ARE the problem.  Often times, it’s lack of clarity and direction.

Why do you REALLY want it?
What would make you want something different than what you have now?

Before you sign up for one more Groupon, buy another DVD series for three easy payments of $19.95 or download 50 new recipes, ask yourself WHERE are you trying to go?  And is it enough to keep you motivated when you feel like you are just going through the motions?  Because, truthfully, there are times I have to go through the motions, until I remember why I’m there. 

And it’s not for a paycheck. 🙂

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One Response to Present But Are You Accounted For?

  1. Candi says:

    Funny you should post this because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing lately. There’s this weird disconnect in my brain that says, :I want to be healthy” while I stuff vanilla wafers in my mouth. See what I mean? What do I really want? And how do I even get to the point of going through the motions?