“Yes, even me, Lord. Even me. Though scarred and broken and unworthy. My guilty stains, You washed them clean and said you’ll still use, use even me.”
In the back of my mind, there are times I wish God had left me alone. But there was a job for me to do. I wish I had not had to experience the hurt that came along with it. When I heard this song that Sunday in the studio, I started to cry. I wasn’t sure why but I decided to use it as my recital piece. I thought it was speaking to me about my dance career. I even sent an email to my friend explaining how I didn’t feel like “enough” to be in the forefront of anything. I didn’t have experience. I didn’t have “real” talent. But God chose me anyway. He had chosen me for something bigger. Bigger than ever imagined. The first time I performed that dance (12/9/11) was a benefit for a little girl who was fighting for her life with cancer. Five minutes before I was to dance, I realized she was the daughter of a friend. What happened the next day and that Friday when I performed this dance for the final time changed the course of my life.
If you have been reading my blog for a while then you know my new year started on December 10, 2011 when my friend Miles Blackwell was killed in a car wreck. I often refer to him as my friend’s son because it takes the personal pain away and makes it seem like my hurt is for her and her family (which it is) and I was just “there.” And that’s not true. It rocked my world (still does most days) and everything I thought and knew about life changed. I performed that dance the night before Miles’ funeral after crying uncontrollably back stage. I was able to go on stage, surrender to God completely (which I hadn’t done), take on that God was going to use me (acceptance), bring comfort to my friends and pay tribute to Miles. And so began my quest to understand how when we are at our lowest can we find the strength to reach for our highest.
This year, I have done some pretty amazing things, mostly stopped running from my destiny because I felt unworthy (and I still have my moments). Starting backwards, I just ran the half marathon (wearing a bracelet with Miles’ name instead of a watch), three adventure mud races (did I mention I never considered myself a “runner?”), have completed in my first choreographers’s competition, contributed to a book and a few magazines, became a national trainer for Piloxing, served as host of several worthy fundraisers, successfully got my son to high school, found a church home and let God take over my life, got better control over my finances, traveled to Miami and Long Beach and quite a few places in between, got my passport (Dominican Republic, anyone?), became a FitFluential ambassador, still have my health, most of my sanity and realized that God doesn’t necessarily call the equipped. He equips the called.
I am at a new phase in my life. And it requires another step. I am ready to go there. I cannot predict whether I will face another tragedy. I cannot predict that I will not face another day of uncertainty. I do know that I have been chosen to do what I do at THIS time and I am ready to face my new year.