This morning, I am sitting at home from church (which is just like not heard of these days AND it’s “wear your team colors” day even though I don’t have a team but I hate to miss stuff….) feeling worn out, used, confused and tired. Indeed, it’s been a long week. I did run the half marathon on last Saturday, only to get out of the car on Sunday and realize I was out of breath. I celebrated my son 15th birthday by taking a trip to the emergency room. The doctor said I had bronchitis, prescribed me a Z-pack, took my money and sent me on my way. When my husband went out of town the next morning, I still couldn’t breathe. I had clients. I had classes. And I still have two children. I had a mother who had been in the hospital for two weeks (who was, thankfully, released on Wednesday), play practice for church, choreography to work on for the dance recital, an open house for a new facility where I am teaching, a track team meeting, gymnastics, it was my week to volunteer at church with the teenagers, one child had a doctor’s appointment and I still couldn’t breathe. Add in two extra doctor’s appointments, a breathing treatment, a steroid shot, new medicine, my husband gone for an extra day (and then came back and went to Auburn for the game), more play practice, a meeting, a child with dance class and a hair appointment, several hundreds of dollars in medical bills, the challenge I am facilitating for over seventy women and two pounds gained (these are just the highlights) and you have one tired and weary Tasha. I am exhausted. And I think I might be bitter.
Yesterday, I was starting to feel like people “owed” me things, like I deserved some kind of reward for doing what I do. It is true that I have set myself up in the position to be taken advantage of more times than I would have liked but I do what I do because I have been called to do it. The tiredness is on me. I’m tired because I have not learned to balance what “I” needed up against what is needed of me. Sometimes people do not realize how demanding it is to be a servant, a true servant. My pastor said something to the effect that your true character will be tested when people start “treating” you like the servant you are. I didn’t get that. When I didn’t show up for my Monday night Zumba class (and I can count on my hand the number of times I have missed that class in 5 years), I expected the sympathy to start rolling in immediately. Not. They saw me in the halls of the gym, almost with an attitude the next day like, “Where were you?” I have build a reputation of being there to do my job. I serve those people and do it gladly. No one ever announced I was in the ER. My tiredness has a lot to do with my perspective. They don’t serve me. I serve them. I signed up for this job.
What I do on a day to day basis is more mentally exhausting than physically. People trust me with their lives, their deep, innermost insecurities that manifest through their physical bodies. When I take all of that in and do not have a way to release that and my own stuff, my very soul collapses under the pressure and I end up here, on the couch, wishing I had the energy to get up and go to praise and worship. I wonder if God wanted me to have this quiet time to really think about what I need to do for this journey He has set me on with my work because, honestly, somewhere around Thursday morning, I was thinking about hanging up my spandex for a business suit, putting my resume out there and getting me a job with paid holidays, scheduled direct deposits and lunch times, set work hours and that didn’t require playlists, my stomach to go down before I tried to put my work clothes on and fake smiles when I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. The truth is I was given an awesome vision this week about where I wanted to take my business. I was just too tired to process it. And I made some decisions about how to keep myself on track while I am serving others:
- I hired my own fitness coach. My personal workouts have taken a hit since my business picked up. I am in pretty good shape but I could do better. I need someone to push me and make sure I stay high on my priority list the same way I do others.
- I have decided to keep up with the challenge I posted. I have enjoyed making sure I get my quiet time in and increasing my fruits and vegetables.
- I have decided to seek a mentor and change my support system. I have friends who are “fun” but I need someone who can help guide me in the direction I am going and have people around me who support what it is that I am doing and will push me to push harder, not cheer me on when I decide to quit.
- I have decided to plan out my 2013. I am a “fly by night” sort of girl but I am looking to start setting my goals and really focus on narrowing my business down to what it is that is really my calling not just flying all over the universe every time someone asks me to do something. What I do is valuable and I have to learn to set boundaries.
- Rely more on my faith and do away with my fear. The two just cannot exist in the same place.