These Are My Confessions

O.K….in case you were wondering, I really did just turn 37.  🙂  I am not a woman who lies about my age.  I am proud of it.  I don’t “intentionally” lie about anything but I keep a lot of things under wraps, from other people AND from myself.  It’s like it’s a game.  If I don’t “admit” it then it’s not really true because it’s not really a part of my reality.  It’s sort of like that game people play with not “really” knowing how many calories are in those little tiny minatures they eat.  It’s not on the package and since they are so tiny, they can’t have THAT many calories.  We just sort of forget to admit we’ve eaten fifty of them.

Yeah, just omission.  Not lying.

Every year on my birthday, I have a break down of some sort because I come face to face with my life. Saturday was no different. All of those “conversations” I thought I had forgotten about (and I do have a memory out of this world), all of the birthday calls and wishes I never got over the years from people I loved so much, all of the dreams I have yet to reach, the realization of the delicateness of life and the one year anniversary of my father’s triple bypass.  I’m not sure which one bothered me more.  I just remembered crying and praying about 5:00 a.m., asking God to release me from whatever it was that was holding me back and if that meant fighting with trying to get my dad to do right for his health or letting go of people who had long ago let go of me or living my life in spite of whatever hurdles I had to jump over, you know, stuff that sounds good when you are getting good in a prayer.  It was that LAST thing, when I was getting ready to head out to teach my boot camp class that stabbed me in the chest.

Why am I not as fit as I want to be?  Why am I still battling this belly fat?  Why are my triceps still not tight?  Because I am NOT on my game.  Period.  Truth is, the fitness game intimidates me a little bit.  My degrees are in sociology and counseling, not exercise physiology.  I have watched way too many You Tube videos to know that there are not a lot of people who look like me in the fitness demo videos (stretch marks are not a hot commodity these days obviously).  And, in this constant mind talk, I found myself drifting farther and farther away from kicking ass like I used to when I was trying to get all of the weight off.  It can be intimidating when 90% of your co-workers are more fit than you.  Or thinner than you.  And I was kicking myself because I could feel how accepting this over the past seven and a half years has fed into my soul.  I accepted defeat WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!!!  And it was so unconscious over a such a steady period of time that I didn’t even realize it.  CRAZINESS!!!!!  But I bet some of you can relate.

I have decided to put myself out there and fight on the front line with anybody who is willing to go with me.  We are going to work on our bodies and minds and spirits.  This is HOLISTIC health and you can’t be completely well in one unless you are working on the entire circle.  Lindsey at Sour Apple Studio is going to give my blog a new look and I am getting ready to BRING IT with more blog posts (I gotta talk to my peeps more than just once a week), videos, product reviews, giveaways, tough love and community.  I have decided to discontinue the radio show but leave the archives up for you to listen if you like and bring the context of the Neckbones2Nectarines blog over here.  We are getting ready to go hard!

Tomorrow, I will tell you about my goals and my new exciting fitness ventures.  And I want to hear about yours.  It’s time to man/woman up.  I know it’s scary to put yourself out there like that.  But, like a quote I had on my Facebook page the other day, “The truth shall set you free.  But first it will piss you off.” Gloria Steinem was so right when she said that.  I AM pissed off.  But pissed off enough to be motivated more than I have been in years.

Let’s get this thing popping, Team.  I’m toasting my smoothie (protein is optional *smile*) to you.  We can do this!

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2 Responses to These Are My Confessions

  1. Neysa Taylor says:

    I love you and your writing because it rings w/truth. Just truth. Sometimes I may not want to hear it but I always NEED to hear it! Love you! Go get whatever it is you want because you are worthy and able!

  2. Tasha says:

    Thank YOU, Neysa. I LOVE YOU! And I appreciate you reading. We have to come to this table with honesty. That’s how we get to where we need to go. (((((HUGS)))))