Erasing The Deficit

Life is a metaphor.

This week, all of my metaphors are becoming unraveled.  It’s exciting and scary at the same time.  A lot of them have to do with water.

If you didn’t know, I DO NOT swim.  One bad experience as a ten year old at the local YMCA and I have terrified of water ever since.  Combined with my mother repeating her story of almost drowning in Lake Michigan over and over again and there you have a lifelong phobic.  It would make sense that I am also afraid of boats.  I guess you can blame that on the Titanic.  🙂 

Perhaps it can be attributed to the fact that I always go overboard.

I do most things BIG.  When I start, I can’t stop.  That would explain why I have a million certifications, why I have had a weight problem, why I have five million dollars worth of Teavana tea in my kitchen right now, why I ended up in the emergency room when I first began vegan, why several men I have loved thought I was a stalker, why I have an outrageous music downloading bill, why I insist on buying Coach purses, why I have just about every Nike t-shirt with a witty saying on it and why this list could go on forever.  I do not operate out of addiction.  I operate out of what I have perceived in my life as a deficit. 

Let’s start with the Coach purses.  When I was in high school, all of the popular girls seemed to have one.  I wasn’t sure I could identify one if someone had hit me over the head with one but I had heard plenty of conversations about them, I knew I didn’t have one and I knew that made me “uncool”.  One day, in my twenties, my ex-husband and I were in a department store and, for the first time, I walked past a Coach purse counter.  I began to cry.  Uncontrollably.  Through my tears, I tried to tell him how “inadequate” I had felt and by that time, the feelings were stronger and I was crying louder.  Poor guy.  He just bought the purse. 

Each thing that I do in “excess” goes right back to feelings of “inadequacy” or the need to feel “justified” or “qualified” or the fact that I “can” do it when I “couldn’t” do it before.  Sometimes, it’s a “filling up” where there is a feeling of “lack”.  Isn’t that how we end up stuffing ourselves with food that doesn’t agree with us?

We want to be “filled up” so we do not have to “feel”.  What if we got in there, dug deep and faced our old constitutions (mine would be never “having” enough or never “being” enough) and be willing to blossom from our shadows?  I had to ask myself, “am I still that girl?” (because those feelings started way before the Coach purse) and what would it take for me to move FULLY into the woman I KNOW I am?  And, am I willing to do it?

“Create what you want instead of being stuck in what you didn’t have.” -Iyanla Vanzant 

You are not held down by anything you are not holding on to with your own hands.  Step fully into yourself.  Surrender the things that no longer serve you.  You have no deficit.  Live in the overflow.  Slow down.  Savor life.  Show gratitude.  You are more than enough.  So am I. 

Leave the pond in which you have tried to place yourself  and the ideas of what you think you can have.  Head for the ocean. 

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