“Play small. See myself as big. Physically. All the time. Convince myself that I “like” being in the background. Reiterate repeatedly that my size is unacceptable. A size six might as well be a size sixty. I will work harder. I will do more things. I just won’t try to “outdo” anyone because I don’t want anyone to think I am conceited or arrogant or trying to take over. And I could not be the leader anyway. I am too big.”
And there I hang, on the words uttered from my own mouth.
The story of my life has been not wanting to be seen. And it has been because I felt like I didn’t matter AS A PERSON. My only necessity in life was to support those around me. That’s why I eventually went into counseling and even spent some time in theology school. I am only to help people. Period.
The underlying glue that held all of these beliefs together was I was not good enough. And, if I ever felt like I was good enough, I’d make the goal line a little farther so I could never reach it. I have lived a life of unrealistic expectations in a cloud that did not include any identity of self. My self-worth was wrapped up in the idea that I could only be validated by what I did for others and, because of that, I never thought being in my own spotlight was acceptable, let alone attainable and then I became a victim of my own default role of “playing victim”. And when I go there, I go to the only thing I feel like I am in control of….
….what goes in my mouth.
Eating was the one thing that no one could manipulate in my life. I “felt” in control every time I sat in front of several food options and ate all of them. In my mind, I ran my own life and I could choose to have whatever I felt like I was missing, whatever love I felt like I wasn’t getting. And I could have it in abundance without any stopping me. And then I felt sick. And then I wanted to hide (my other default mode) and then I felt out of control (not good enough) and I’d eat more. And the cycle continued.
I would never lie and say that eating well and exercise made a huge difference in my life. But I had to dig deeper. And being willing to dig through my dirt, pull up the weeds, get wet from the rain, get knocked over by the wind and handle the bugs and everything else is how I got here.
So, what’s your hook? What’s hanging you up? And are you willing to let yourself off?