Who Are You?

I had the awesome experience of spending the weekend in New York City.  I went to attend the Fall Conference for the Institute of Integrative Nutrition.  I was blessed to be able to hear, first hand, the knowledge of Deepak Chopra, David Katz, Joel Fuhrman and Mark Hyman.  (And if you have no idea who these people are, you should look them up.)  I was able to connect with classmates I had only met online, share ideas and thoughts with people I had never met, listen to the successes of former graduates and became inspired to rethink my plan for my business and my goals.  But it was the question that Deepak Chopra asked that I had heard before during his meditation challenge that made me review what I had done over the weekend and made me reconsider what was going on with my life and why I needed to make a U-Turn.

I am a person who dislikes rules but I play by them because I believe life should be fair.  I do not stay up late when I know I have to get up in the morning.  I do not do things that would be viewed as “irresponsible” by others.  I walk the line with my diet, “slipping up” every now and then but making myself pay if I do.  Basically, I live a very rigid life and I have no definition of “fun”.  I never really have.  When I was in a training and the word “childlike” came up, I felt stressed.  I have never been “childlike” even when I was a child and even though I have children.  I think certain things are just, well, silly (beneath me) and I would look unprofessional (irresponsible) and I just need to maintain a certain standard (pretend like I am perfect).  I don’t associate with people who engage in certain behaviors (I think I’m better) and I would rather spend my time doing something productive (makes others believe I am someone I am not).  And so the question is, as Dr Chopra asked:

“Who am I?”

I realized, sitting in that chair, that my life, as structured as it seems is TOO structured and I have not left room for pleasure.  When my plans went out of control starting even BEFORE I left for my trip (change in plans to a venue where I was teaching, missing a flight, having to take another mode of transportation into the city at double the price and having to show up to a movie screening in a t-shirt and yoga pants), I was forced to go with the flow, although I fought it for as long as I could; and, honestly, still fighting it internally.  I met someone who reminded me of the parts of me I struggle with the most.  I realized that I am walking around in a daze, “doing” life and not “being” life.  And then I got really angry.  And then I got scared.  If I know who I don’t want to be and this “freedom” and “flowing with what is” scares me….

“Who am I?”

I had no clients for the weekend.  My family was at home.  The titles I identify (hide behind) the most were not the major factors of my actions.  So……

“Who am I?”

And it’s a question that still remains.  I have enjoyed the past couple of days of thinking about how I fit into this equation of my own life.  And it’s a question I ask my clients all of the time.  If I stripped away your titles, WHO ARE YOU?  And getting to that knowledge, sitting in it, OWNING IT, gets us to the rest of our “issues”.  We can begin to find our way to those things which tie us down, begin to “be” instead of “do” and find our true space in the Universe.

And New York City is a PERFECT place to search.  🙂

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