I always know when it’s coming. The frustration builds every time I even think a word. Every time I speak, I feel like I am spending ten minutes trying to explain what I said in five seconds. I am feeling misunderstood; a feeling I have carried over from childhood. In the past, I have spoken of being labeled “sensitive” and that’s no longer a bad word for me. However, the childhood issue with an adult response can lead to an addiction we do not always understand. It is in these moments that we must pause and dig behind the memories, be willing to get rid of the brick (I talked about this last week) and get to the next level. It’s not necessarily about “replacing the behavior” as you are merely exchanging coping mechanisms. It is about dealing with the issue head on so you can live an authentic life without having to be programmed to do something you don’t want to do in order to do something you really don’t want to do.
What do I mean? How many times have you known people to chew gum when they are trying to quit smoking? Have you ever thought what kind of torture it might be for a person who dislikes gum? What about the person who is told to eat carrots every time they have a sugar craving? What if, when they were smaller, they were forced to eat carrots by their mother whom they have a lot of resentment for and now, since carrots are obviously seen as the ultimate “diet” food, they are going to follow the advice of their well-meaning friends and shove down even more emotional issues trying to deal with the bigger issue of their weight which may indeed have to do with their resentment for their mother? Understand what I am saying? How do we deal with the root of the problem? And how did I get off on this topic anyway?
I am a recovering binge eater.
The more stressed out I become about my dad being sick, the more I justify in my mind that sugar is o.k because I am not eating enough. I knew it became a problem a little over a week ago when I ate a brownie from the local store and was too ashamed to bring the container in the house so I left it in the car; just like my old behavior of throwing away the containers of all the food I had eaten so no one would know what I had done. The last thing I need is a lecture on how to deal with my sugar cravings. I know all of that stuff. I don’t have a sugar craving. I have a desire to be heard about how I feel about what’s happening to my dad and I feel like I am not being understood; which goes right back to the emotions of how I felt as a child. All the cinnamon and leafy greens in the world aren’t going to cure that.
What I am proposing is that the answer to what lies deeply in you behind why you continue to overeat, undereat, drink alcohol, indulge in sugar, fried foods and so on cannot merely be fixed with a suggestion from the books we continually buy. I have probably a thousand of them myself. The information is helpful and, no doubt, it can work, if we apply it. However, if we fall right back into default, which is the problem, none of it will work. If we aren’t ready to face the REAL issue, no personal trainer, dietitian, health counselor, voodoo doctor or anyone else can help us get the weight off and/get healthy. There is an internal switch that has to be flipped and the only person who can get the right angle to hit it is you.
As for me, food never became a default until I became an adult. The way I deal with my “issues” is to go back to opening up the way I did when I was child. When I felt I wasn’t being heard, I wrote and I danced. I now pray and meditate with that and double check if I am communicating clearly. It’s all perception. I may be wrong in perceiving they did not understand me and they may be wrong in perceiving what I said. Either way, I have now chosen not to hurt myself.
It seems pretty bazaar that someone with such an issue could seemingly, all of a sudden, make such a choice. Again, it’s all about perspective. I used to think it was impossible. A few years ago, I thought I’d be sneaking around eating brownies and onion rings forever. Then I realized I’M possible and everything changed. I still have my moments. But they don’t have me.
What about you?