I have been thinking about this blog post for two days. I even dreamed about it last night. I knew what I was feeling. I knew what I wanted to share. I also recognized the feeling of “blockage” when it came time to put the thoughts to paper. It was the feeling I’ve had for most of my life when it came time to put the truth to the light. I wanted to protect those around me, not “rock the boat”, not upset anyone, not have my inbox full of inquires (“are you talking about me?”), not be different than the image that others have painted of me.
WHOA. That’s major. It’s makes you wonder how you can “color” your own life when you have no idea what the picture looks like because everyone has a crayon but you. There are lines and arrows being drawn that drag you from place to place and you follow them to “go along” and, at the end of the day, you feel exhausted, worn out, angry, bitter, tired, stressed, resentful. Everyone else is happy and content and then you realize you haven’t eaten, exercised, ummm, perhaps not even showered?
It would be a no brainer for me to use my platform to discuss food and exercise. And I do. All the time. The essence of what I want to share is that over/under eating and lack of/excessive exercise are merely SYMPTOMS. Surely no one was born with a sugar addiction (even though I will be the first to be a witness on the stand if any of you would like to defend this in court. 🙂). WHERE did it start? WHEN did it start? WHAT happened? HOW do you stop it? Because YOU can STOP THE CYCLE. What’s the cycle? The cycle is hiding behind those “titles” and “pictures” that have been created for us over time that we have just not given ourselves the authority to step out of and move forward.
Sometimes it seems easier to be who people think we should be because being who we authentically are is scary. There are times when I heard and felt my real self and it scared me to death. I have been known, especially as a child, to be very shy (no, seriously) and quiet (yes, for real). I was taken advantage of a lot. I was teased a lot. These incidents created in me the desire to want to be accepted so bad that I would do just about anything to be liked by those whom I deemed “important”. As an adult, it manifested into a bout of perfectionism and then when it crashed, it turned into a bout of not caring about anything. There are still spaces in my life were I do not speak up. The funny thing is, when I do speak up to people who have known me for a while and are used to being the “beneficiaries” of me lying to myself, they seemed puzzled, as if I am speaking another language. It’s true. I AM speaking another language. And I love it.
It took guts and true “listening to self” to step out as a meek girl who was raised in the projects on good soul food, sugar-laden kool-aid with no athletic ability to step into my life as a confident, vegan, personal training, yoga/meditation teaching, holistic health coach reaching out to those who want to find their authentic voices and get back to who they really are. The truth be told….this vegetarian, choreographing dances, meditation, intuitive yoga “thing” started when I was eight. I just didn’t know what to call it. I am back to myself.
And, as for that “feeling”, I decided, once again to veto the emotion, breathe into my authentic self, and say what I had to say with grace, intelligence, love and personal authority. Open your heart, pick your own colors, draw from your own truth and watch your true self emerge.