……Tasha will MAKE it fit.
I was in the shower last night and the title of Stevie Wonder’s old album “In A Square Circle” came to mind. That’s exactly how I feel. I am a square who insists on trying to make myself fit into a circle. My edges are overlapping. It’s uncomfortable. I feel the pain in the creases. I don’t like the way it looks or feels yet, for a long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be “in” even if it meant squeezing everything inside of me an possibly letting the essence of my very core escape. I mean, isn’t it more exciting at your funeral to have all of your friends talk about how you did this for them and how you were always the life of the party and how you enjoyed this and that and you’re rolling over in your spirit thinking “I never liked that at all. I was just doing it to get along and to be part of the crowd.” I am so guilty. I just confessed to my husband about three weeks ago (and we have been together for almost eleven years) that the only reason I drank beer when we dated was because HE liked it. I immediately stopped drinking it right after we got married. So, the question is, why am I ready to break out NOW?
The truth is I’ve ALWAYS been ready and I’ve ALWAYS been different. I’ve just ALWAYS been afraid. I don’t “blend in” anywhere. For years, I’ve disliked that. Others have disliked me for it which made me dislike it more. I wanted to just be “one of the gang”. Just recently, I auditioned for a position with a reputable company that I really wasn’t sure I wanted. I was already doing the work and already known for doing a great job at it but I wanted “credibility”. I wanted to be a part of the “crew” and have the cute shirts, be on the website, have my name in cute colors on the flyers. I’ve been waiting in limbo for two months for an answer. Just Thursday, I was, of all places, getting my hair done and my friend/stylist Tiffany comes busting out of this space telling me I needed to talk to someone I had never met to have my “toes” read (yeah, I was thinking that too). I’m game for any type of insight so I went for it. Lo and behold, after she prayed and cleared our space, my toes said that I am “hiding my greatness” and that my path, while I am doing what I love, is not the right path. It’s almost as if I am being forced. Not an hour later, I got an e-mail thanking me for my submission, followed by something like “we regret to inform you….” WHOA.
I have been known for keeping clients that didn’t belong in my space, not because of money but because I thought I could help them and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Lord knows I have had my share of men that I should have set free but I kept trying to squeeze into the space they had drawn for me. I have had my share of careers, my share of friends, my share of opportunities. And, each time I tried to fit in where I wasn’t supposed to be, I surrendered a piece of my authentic self. I have tried to “tone myself down” to make others more comfortable while making myself uncomfortable in my own skin.
Today, I got a text from a friend/client, when telling me she was coming to my class and I was telling her that I was locked up in the house working on it respond, “you SWEAT GREATNESS.” Normally, I would have had a 30 minute conversation with her about how I was o.k. but I waited to the last minute, I was running out of ideas, etc. etc. I was trying to squeeze in a space I created in my mind for myself a LONG time ago. I am not bound by anything….no lines, no shackles, no thoughts. I can be or do anything I want.
Neither are you. There are no rules of the Universe which state “thou shall fit in.” Fit in where? All of these spaces we have created in our minds. Others only draw pictures of us when we have given them the crayons and paper. As we say at my school, “FIT OUT”. The world needs, wants and desires the authentic YOU, the authentic ME.
And, just for the record, I would like to say that my husband had absolutely no effect on my love for fried catfish or Dairy Queen. That’s another blog. 🙂