It’s been a long day and I am ready to go to bed. I have been balancing my checkbook, paying bills, organizing calendars, sending invoices, installing new programs, becoming a little too acquainted with the customer service reps at T-Mobile, making copies, tweeting and eating coconut ice cream with my daughter in between, planning for my class tomorrow and everything else in between. However, I would not miss the opportunity to look 2010 in the face and say “you may have kicked my butt but in a few hours, you’ll be gone and I won’t.” Most people would look at my life and think I’ve done pretty good. I’ve had the chance to expand my business, travel to places I’ve never been, train with my idols, lose some weight and reach more people than ever. However, I have had some of the lowest points ever this year…so much so that I didn’t think the sun would ever rise again. This evening started off with my son having to attend the wake of his 12 year old classmate who took her own life on Monday; a cruel and harsh reminder that pain is real, life is temporary and that my purpose is bigger than my problems.
Everyone wants to know why I am choosing to get up on my day off (one of very few) and teach a two and half hour class AND let people pay me what they want (basically, four people could show up and pay me a dollar a piece and there you have it). My first answer is, “I am trying to get into heaven.” My second answer is “I am tired of people telling me what they “can’t do.” I am taking down just about every obstacle. If you don’t come then you have to stop talking to me about helping you the rest of the year.” Actually, it’s a little bit of both.
In my stress, I AM a little frustrated with people thinking I work for free, that I have nothing else better to do than listen to them complain about their health and weight AND THEN ignore EVERY PIECE OF ADVICE or every suggestion I offer. I also believe God is sending me out among the people to share what I have. There was a young lady who was very concerned about how much money I would make from the class. She never considered that I could not make anything. She didn’t consider that I have to pay rental fees to use a facility on New Year’s Day. She didn’t consider that if I had her job, I’d be getting paid time and half for working on the holiday and that she probably makes more an hour than I do and she gets to take my classes whenever she wants for free. I will assure anyone (and ALL fitness instructors will agree) none of us are driving BMW’s because of what we are making. I am not doing it for the money. I am actually investing in my community. Any money that I make goes right back into my students/clients; trainings, books, DVD’s, music, equipment. (Those last minute flights to L.A. were really expensive.) This is not about me at all. I deserve the right to earn a living but the quality of my life is increased because I am helping others live to their fullest potential….but I digress.
This sort of “belief” that I am super human has been a common theme for 2010. And feeding into it has been my issue. I have not expressed my hurt, my pain, my sorrow enough and when I do, I am very apologetic about sharing my “weakness” with others. There are literally times where I thought the pain would stop me from breathing on its own but my purpose, to help others help themselves, is stronger than my desire to fall down and stay there. I say “desire” because I realized I had to make a choice. I cannot choose my circumstances but I can choose how I react to them and how I adjust myself according to them. I am not doing anything anyone else cannot do. I am just willing to do it. Are you?
I have so many dreams and visions and wants for 2011. And, no, I didn’t have to wait until the new year arrived (because I have been so anti-resolution) but I felt like I couldn’t come up for air in 2010 and I just wanted to let it run its course and then I could just start over with a renewed sense of “I Can Do This”-Ness. I look at the pictures I have posted here, knowing what was going on in my life while I was holding tight to these people I admire and think that if I got that close to them then I could be there too and that, one day, someone would be just as excited to take a picture with me.
I am getting sleepy but it is so worth staying up and bidding this year farewell.
No hard feelings, 2010. Things just didn’t work out between us.